This post is for the wonderful people who have asked me how GDC was. It's for the wonderful people who I met at GDC, and the equally wonderful people I didn't have a chance to meet. It's for me, when 6 months from now, I need a reminder at how life-changing that week really was.
But first, a primer on GDC. GDC is short for Game Developers Conference, and I've attended the past 4 years now. The conference is always nothing short of amazing, but I noticed a troubling trend from prior years. I came home every year with a stack of business cards, and maybe 2 or 3 people that I actually stayed in contact with once I was home. I needed contacts, allies, mentors, and friends. So I decided to mix it up this year; I applied to be a Conference Associate.
The Conference Associates are a group of around 400 people who run the conference, doing everything from badge scanning to info-booth manning to make sure everything runs smoothly. Apparently the program is pretty hard to get in to- and why shouldn't it be? A free pass to the conference and discounted hotels alone is worth the 25 or so hours of work I put in. But the program is so much more than that.
And now, for a primer on me. I've always been an introvert, though I've forced myself out of that shell over the course of the past 5 years or so. I've done so mainly out of necessity. I think we introverts have it kind of rough in a society where the people you know matters more than the things you know. That said, even though I can be friendly and sociable, the introverted nature never fully goes away. Sometimes we have to go find our quiet place and recharge for a bit. Sometimes we just don't want to talk anymore. And sometimes, it's really hard to inject ourselves into an environment where everyone seems to know each other. That's what I was most worried about in joining the CA program.. with so many veterans, maybe it would be hard to meet people?
Luckily, it wasn't. At all.
This isn't just a group of employees, or volunteers, or people hoping for a free pass to an expensive conference. The CA program is a family. It's a group of people who default to loving you in a world where people default to judging you. There aren't many rules, because everyone is already on the same page. The whole atmosphere is contagious; just being among CAs makes you want to be happy, encouraging, selfless, and welcoming.
Leaving the conference, I'd say I met about 100 of the 400 CAs at some point. I could probably call 20 of them close friends. I can't name a single person who I disliked. Quite a bit better than 2-3, I'd say.
And if I'm being completely honest, I did struggle at first. Monday night, after the first day of the conference, I found myself completely socially exhausted. I slipped off by myself to find a nice, quite restaurant where I could collect my thoughts and relax. A few times throughout the week, my body ached so badly and I was so tired that I didn't know how I would be able to go on. But how can you not push forward when you have 399 other people willing to lend an ear or a hand? You draw energy from that sort of crowd, and it's great to not be alone.
To my new CA friends, stay in touch! If I can help you somehow, ask! And I had better see you all next year, if not sooner.
To the CAs I didn't get to meet, I consider you family. You know, like that cousin you've never met but who can totally crash on your couch if they need to. The same offer as above applies to you- if I can help you, ask! I think it'd be really awesome to know more CAs at the beginning of GDC 2016 than I do now, so don't be afraid to introduce yourselves!
And to everyone else, surround yourself with amazing people. It makes a world of difference.
March 11, 2015
April 21, 2014
What Makes Me Different?
Background: For those who don't know me, my name is Cody Albert and I'm a 24 year old game programmer. I graduated from University of Maryland with a Computer Engineering degree in 2012, and have spent just over a year programming for a company that makes educational games and simulations primarily for the government. I have a mobile platformer that has been in and out of development for several years, which I view more as a learning tool than anything. Video games are my passion.
This year at Game Developers Conference in San Francisco, I had the misfortune of missing a talk by Alexander Bruce (of Antichamber fame) called "Antichamber - An Overnight Success, Seven Years In The Making". Luckily, it was posted today for free on the GDC Vault, and I highly suggest that anybody interested in game development checks it out. There was one phrase repeated throughout the entire talk, a phrase that captures the spirit of the talk far better than the title: "What makes me different?"
Throughout the talk, Bruce walks through the years and the trials that lead him from humble beginnings to joining the upper echelons of indie rockstars. He compares himself to his fellow students, past indie successes, his competition, and the games that fell off before they hit it big. I liked this approach, so I started from the beginning. What makes me different from Alexander Bruce?
A lot, as it turns out. In fact, I could only come up with two areas in which we're similar: an overwhelming passion for the video game industry, and a history of self doubt, anxiety, and mental/emotional breakdowns. That's a pretty grim list, to be sure. Rather than focus on all the areas in which I feel I'm not good enough to do something remarkable, I looked for strengths. What can I do better than all of these awesome people I follow on twitter, bump into at GDC, and genuinely aspire to be like? In the end, two interesting thoughts came to mind.
The first major revelation was that I'm passionate about video games, but not necessarily as passionate about programming. Don't get me wrong, I'm a pretty good coder and I enjoy being seen as that. I like solving problems, and my degree prepared me for the job I'm in today. However, it's the industry that I fell in love with, not the job. Perhaps I'm limiting myself too much by identifying with one specific role? Maybe there's things I'd love doing in other areas of game development? What about aspects of the game industry that don't even involve directly making games? There's a lot of people who are remarkable within the community, even though they aren't making games, such as educators, journalists, event planners, and more. Maybe it's time to get involved in other ways?
The second idea that came to mind was that there are some aspects of my personality that set me apart from these great developers. Just looking at my skill sets is very discouraging; there will always be better programmers, better designers, better developers. In fact, the biggest strength of every indie success story I've read is that these people just. won't. quit. I struggle with motivation when it comes to my own side projects, but I've come to realize that lack of motivation is usually a symptom, not a problem. I don't always have the drive to get up, go to work, come home, and make games all night. It can't be helped. But I think I do have something that makes me interesting; I bring people together.
In middle school, our class was given personality tests which identified various traits in which we excelled. My results had me pegged as some sort of leader, a designation I promptly dismissed. You have to understand, I was a nerdy introvert. I was meek, a wallflower that just wanted to get by and move on to the next task. However, the test did manage to pick up on something years before I would actually see it in action: I did what needed to be done when nobody else would. Fast forward to the middle of my college days, and I was heading up biweekly LAN parties that peaked around 35 attendees. I lead a ~100 member raiding guild in World of Warcraft for about a year. I became the go-to event planner for any convention that my group of friends was interested in. I could book hotels, find flights, create party plans, and build an itinerary flexible enough to allow for the ever-changing convention plans but detailed enough to ensure there was never a dull moment. I did all of these things because nobody else would. After a while, I did them because nobody else could.
So what's the point of all this? I'm definitely not saying that I plan to quit programming for a career as a travel agent, or that I'm not happy with where I am in life. The bigger takeaway for me is that the source of my anxiety is that I'm comparing myself to these people on their terms. I would love to have the programming genius of Renaud Bédard, the tenacity of Alexander Bruce, the insight of Jonathan Blow, the charisma of Ichiro Lambe, and the following of Marcus Persson. But I do have something that is my own. I'm a fantastic leader, and I know how to bring people together. When people tell me I can't make everyone happy, I prove them wrong. When nobody wants the responsibility of making a decision, I take the risk. When plans don't work out, I take the blame. People follow me. Now I just need to figure out where that fits into the industry I'm proud to call myself a part of.
June 13, 2012
Adventure
I haven't written much recently. What has it been, almost a year? Life has been moving so fast in every direction, even I don't have words for it. So let's talk about this year.
Rewind to New Years day. I spent it at the beach with some great friends and probably drank too much, but I very distinctly remember saying one thing: 2012 will be a year of adventures. I don't really know where that came from, or how I knew, but we're almost halfway through it and I've already been so many places I never imagined I'd be. Some great news, some terrible news, and a whole lot of not staying in the same place for very long.
When I wrote Flux (the post before this one), I was sort of at a breaking point. The crest of the wave. I knew where I wanted to go but no idea how to get there. All I could hope for was something amazing. Now I'm an intern working 40 hours a week making video games. I decided I wanted to go into games almost exactly a year ago, and now I'm doing it. And I'm in love with the industry. I suppose I'll explain how that happened.
Marty came up to me last December with a crazy idea. Let's make a game together. I had absolutely no idea how to do that, but for some reason I agreed. Crappy android programs turned into a prototype turned into a complete first world, which has netted over 10,000 downloads by some miracle. Being free definitely helps, but I'm still incredibly proud of that. Unfortunately I've lost a lot of momentum on that project, but here's hoping it's temporary. I convinced myself I could make a game, and I had something to show others.
Next, Emily convinced me to go to Game Developer's Conference in the middle of the freaking semester, and that turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. Surrounding yourself with people who are passionate about the same things you are.. words don't quite describe what that can do for you. Whatever your passion may be, surround yourself with like-minded people and the amount of inspiration you receive will be incredible. Come to think of it, I really don't spend enough time telling those two how much I appreciate them. None of this would be happening without them.
After all of that, a little game called Fez came out. It looked amazing, so I bought and played it. A few of the puzzles were so intricate and difficult, the internet as a whole came together to compare notes and try to crack them.. when we weren't busy collectively begging a few people with insider information for a hint or two. In beseeching assistance from those blessed with knowledge from the gamedev gods, I accidentally met Trey, the coordinator for the International Game Developer's Association chapter in DC. Oops. Now this is where it all comes together.. so try to keep up with the acronyms. I had joined IGDA at GDC, had a game on my resume thanks to the project I worked on with Marty, and found a lead for an internship after talking to Trey and checking out the IGDA Facebook page. I think that qualifies as sorta incredible.
So here I am, making video games while still being completely and delightfully unclear about where I will be at the end of the year. Working has given me confidence that though there are many things I don't know, I'm surprisingly adept at learning on the spot. There are definitely some areas of my life where I'm really hoping for answers, but at least I found the transience I was looking for.
I'll write more soon, hopefully.
Rewind to New Years day. I spent it at the beach with some great friends and probably drank too much, but I very distinctly remember saying one thing: 2012 will be a year of adventures. I don't really know where that came from, or how I knew, but we're almost halfway through it and I've already been so many places I never imagined I'd be. Some great news, some terrible news, and a whole lot of not staying in the same place for very long.
When I wrote Flux (the post before this one), I was sort of at a breaking point. The crest of the wave. I knew where I wanted to go but no idea how to get there. All I could hope for was something amazing. Now I'm an intern working 40 hours a week making video games. I decided I wanted to go into games almost exactly a year ago, and now I'm doing it. And I'm in love with the industry. I suppose I'll explain how that happened.
Marty came up to me last December with a crazy idea. Let's make a game together. I had absolutely no idea how to do that, but for some reason I agreed. Crappy android programs turned into a prototype turned into a complete first world, which has netted over 10,000 downloads by some miracle. Being free definitely helps, but I'm still incredibly proud of that. Unfortunately I've lost a lot of momentum on that project, but here's hoping it's temporary. I convinced myself I could make a game, and I had something to show others.
Next, Emily convinced me to go to Game Developer's Conference in the middle of the freaking semester, and that turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. Surrounding yourself with people who are passionate about the same things you are.. words don't quite describe what that can do for you. Whatever your passion may be, surround yourself with like-minded people and the amount of inspiration you receive will be incredible. Come to think of it, I really don't spend enough time telling those two how much I appreciate them. None of this would be happening without them.
After all of that, a little game called Fez came out. It looked amazing, so I bought and played it. A few of the puzzles were so intricate and difficult, the internet as a whole came together to compare notes and try to crack them.. when we weren't busy collectively begging a few people with insider information for a hint or two. In beseeching assistance from those blessed with knowledge from the gamedev gods, I accidentally met Trey, the coordinator for the International Game Developer's Association chapter in DC. Oops. Now this is where it all comes together.. so try to keep up with the acronyms. I had joined IGDA at GDC, had a game on my resume thanks to the project I worked on with Marty, and found a lead for an internship after talking to Trey and checking out the IGDA Facebook page. I think that qualifies as sorta incredible.
So here I am, making video games while still being completely and delightfully unclear about where I will be at the end of the year. Working has given me confidence that though there are many things I don't know, I'm surprisingly adept at learning on the spot. There are definitely some areas of my life where I'm really hoping for answers, but at least I found the transience I was looking for.
I'll write more soon, hopefully.
September 19, 2011
Flux
I named this post after Bit.Trip. But don't worry! It's pretty relevant.
A lot of my posts on here are pretty depressing. That's not because I'm a sad person, but because I need somewhere to throw all of the sad thoughts so that I don't have to hold on to them and dwell on them. I'm actually a pretty happy person, and this will be a pretty happy post. But let me begin with the one thing I've been struggling with.
It's easier to not know what you want to do than to know and have it constantly called into question.
I've been questioning a lot of things recently. I'm not happy in my major, I don't like my job, and I know I want to make video games but I'm not really sure how to get there from here. It's hard to find the motivation to do much of anything when you can't really tell what direction you're headed. So that's been my struggle recently.
That being said, I've been pretty hopeful recently. Somewhere between playing Bit.Trip and spending more time thinking about things, I'm starting to see the adventure in all of this. Like I said, I'm a happy person. I'm always trying to be happy, even when everything is coming down on me. I think it's better to enjoy the journey than to wait for the catharsis. I'm such a curious person, I love discovery.. it's amazing what that can do if it's pointed in the right direction.
Back to Bit.Trip.. a series of 6 games about Commander Videos journey. The story here is so vague. The characters have names, but no words are spoken. I'd imagine most people wouldn't even feel the gravity of the story that is being told. See, the trick here is to combine the names of the levels with the tempo, mood, etc. of the beat used for that level. The first game's levels are Transition, Decent, and Growth. Each level has heavier beats and a slower and steadier tempo than the last. I think I first described Growth's music as "grinding". It feels like the beginning of a trial, sinking slowly into depression but starting to find meaning in it all. The second game features Discovery, Exploration, and Control. Curiosity kicks in, and things start to unfold like a flower in bloom. The final game in the series, Flux, takes Commander Video home from his journey with Epiphany, Perception, and Catharsis. Do you see what's happening here?
Intentionally or not (I'd like to believe it was), Gaijin Games created a series that captures every emotion experienced in the human journey. These games are incredible because the music works to evoke those feelings. You get to see the whole picture, and you reconsider a lot of things in your own life. It's devilishly hard, but the end is beautiful. Flux is absolutely gorgeous, and the name definitely hit home if you've seen some of the things I've written about transience in the past.
Okay, I just analyzed a video game and attempted to parallel it to my own life. Yes, that is weird. Inspiration comes from the strangest places. I've often compared the way I feel while playing Runner (The 4th game in the series) to the way I felt when I was in love, a comparison that often comes off as a joke but is actually completely serious. But that moment when I played Flux, that moment where I saw the end of the journey and the fulfillment of it all, I found the strength to keep moving forward. I hope that never goes away.
A lot of my posts on here are pretty depressing. That's not because I'm a sad person, but because I need somewhere to throw all of the sad thoughts so that I don't have to hold on to them and dwell on them. I'm actually a pretty happy person, and this will be a pretty happy post. But let me begin with the one thing I've been struggling with.
It's easier to not know what you want to do than to know and have it constantly called into question.
I've been questioning a lot of things recently. I'm not happy in my major, I don't like my job, and I know I want to make video games but I'm not really sure how to get there from here. It's hard to find the motivation to do much of anything when you can't really tell what direction you're headed. So that's been my struggle recently.
That being said, I've been pretty hopeful recently. Somewhere between playing Bit.Trip and spending more time thinking about things, I'm starting to see the adventure in all of this. Like I said, I'm a happy person. I'm always trying to be happy, even when everything is coming down on me. I think it's better to enjoy the journey than to wait for the catharsis. I'm such a curious person, I love discovery.. it's amazing what that can do if it's pointed in the right direction.
Back to Bit.Trip.. a series of 6 games about Commander Videos journey. The story here is so vague. The characters have names, but no words are spoken. I'd imagine most people wouldn't even feel the gravity of the story that is being told. See, the trick here is to combine the names of the levels with the tempo, mood, etc. of the beat used for that level. The first game's levels are Transition, Decent, and Growth. Each level has heavier beats and a slower and steadier tempo than the last. I think I first described Growth's music as "grinding". It feels like the beginning of a trial, sinking slowly into depression but starting to find meaning in it all. The second game features Discovery, Exploration, and Control. Curiosity kicks in, and things start to unfold like a flower in bloom. The final game in the series, Flux, takes Commander Video home from his journey with Epiphany, Perception, and Catharsis. Do you see what's happening here?
Intentionally or not (I'd like to believe it was), Gaijin Games created a series that captures every emotion experienced in the human journey. These games are incredible because the music works to evoke those feelings. You get to see the whole picture, and you reconsider a lot of things in your own life. It's devilishly hard, but the end is beautiful. Flux is absolutely gorgeous, and the name definitely hit home if you've seen some of the things I've written about transience in the past.
Okay, I just analyzed a video game and attempted to parallel it to my own life. Yes, that is weird. Inspiration comes from the strangest places. I've often compared the way I feel while playing Runner (The 4th game in the series) to the way I felt when I was in love, a comparison that often comes off as a joke but is actually completely serious. But that moment when I played Flux, that moment where I saw the end of the journey and the fulfillment of it all, I found the strength to keep moving forward. I hope that never goes away.
September 13, 2011
Direction
Where am I going? I've been wandering for so long.. I'm not even sure I know what I'm looking for.
So much has changed. And yet, I feel the same. I know roughly where I want to go in life, but I still feel like I'm stumbling around waiting for something to happen. Everything is constantly up and down, give and take, an eternal tug-of-war between the demons that haunt me and the ferocity that forces me to keep fighting them. I'm not sure anyone really understands. They treat me so normally, like nothings wrong. I try to warn them. They don't know what they're getting themselves into.
I think I've always sort of seen myself as the lone wanderer. Bearing the world on my shoulders, trudging from place to place doing what needs to be done but never staying for long. Even as a kid, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. Over time, I accepted that..embraced it, even. The absurd thing is that I tried to be normal. I've tried everything these past few months. I'm capable of it, but it feels wrong. Fitting in feels wrong, doing what I want feels wrong. The further down that rabbit hole I go, the less things make sense. This struggle feels like home for me. I feel like I'm accomplishing something here. I just don't really know what.
Have you ever been lonely? Not just physically, but emotionally. Have you ever had thoughts or ideas or experiences that you need to share, but you don't have the right person to share them with? You don't need someone who can listen, you need that person who happens to have exactly the right cognitive infrastructure to feel with you. It comes and goes for me. It seems like the less I try to fit in or chase after selfish desires and the more I accept myself, the lonelier I get. Some sort of unexplainable guilt keeps me from settling, and the "beggars can't be choosers" principle goes out the window. How much longer do I have to do this?
Where are you? I'm so alone..
So much has changed. And yet, I feel the same. I know roughly where I want to go in life, but I still feel like I'm stumbling around waiting for something to happen. Everything is constantly up and down, give and take, an eternal tug-of-war between the demons that haunt me and the ferocity that forces me to keep fighting them. I'm not sure anyone really understands. They treat me so normally, like nothings wrong. I try to warn them. They don't know what they're getting themselves into.
I think I've always sort of seen myself as the lone wanderer. Bearing the world on my shoulders, trudging from place to place doing what needs to be done but never staying for long. Even as a kid, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. Over time, I accepted that..embraced it, even. The absurd thing is that I tried to be normal. I've tried everything these past few months. I'm capable of it, but it feels wrong. Fitting in feels wrong, doing what I want feels wrong. The further down that rabbit hole I go, the less things make sense. This struggle feels like home for me. I feel like I'm accomplishing something here. I just don't really know what.
Have you ever been lonely? Not just physically, but emotionally. Have you ever had thoughts or ideas or experiences that you need to share, but you don't have the right person to share them with? You don't need someone who can listen, you need that person who happens to have exactly the right cognitive infrastructure to feel with you. It comes and goes for me. It seems like the less I try to fit in or chase after selfish desires and the more I accept myself, the lonelier I get. Some sort of unexplainable guilt keeps me from settling, and the "beggars can't be choosers" principle goes out the window. How much longer do I have to do this?
Where are you? I'm so alone..
May 4, 2011
I need inspiration. I'm running out of energy. Maybe I'm just drained from a tough semester at school, but it seems to run deeper than that. Something hasn't been right, and I can't really place my finger on exactly what it is. Be it in dreams or in real life, I keep running into things that aren't supposed to be a part of my life. Things I've moved away from, things that disturb the relative peace I've found. I don't really know what to do.
I'm starting to wonder if everything is really as it appears, or even as it's supposed to be. I don't know which way to step, and the natural instinct that's guided me this far is failing me now. I'm not even sure what decision I need to make. I just feel like it's time for something to change. Who knows what happens next..
I'll write more soon.
I'm starting to wonder if everything is really as it appears, or even as it's supposed to be. I don't know which way to step, and the natural instinct that's guided me this far is failing me now. I'm not even sure what decision I need to make. I just feel like it's time for something to change. Who knows what happens next..
I'll write more soon.
November 14, 2010
Transience
Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.
-Shinichi Suzuki
If I could only impart one fragment of wisdom to everyone who has ever looked up to me or been interested in what I had to say, it would be to embrace transience. The concept that nothing is static, that everything changes, is contrary to human nature because we don't see the world from beyond our own eyes. We're hellbent on holding on to the things we love in life because we see the world in black and white. We know what we want and what we don't want, what is good and what is bad. We're scared of the things we like going away because we can't imagine ourselves changing in such a way that we like something else better.
Growing up, I didn't see the world through the eyes of one boy. It was as if my vision was outside of myself, like I was just an onlooker. Always on the outside looking in. I learned so much in this state. I'd understand both sides of a debate, even when I had an opinion. I'd understand why people did the things that they did. My life was a complex network of cogs and springs, which I watched in amazement. Somewhere in my life, I lost this. Now it's coming back. And honestly, that's exactly what I need.
I think I've finally figured it out. I understand where that insight went, why it left, why it's coming back. I won't assume this is true for everyone, but it's certainly the way I'm wired and I can't possibly be the only one. I went from spectator to participant in this world right as the pieces aligned to form what I considered an ideal life. everything was great, I had what I wanted in life, and I was able to step in to it and live for the moment. This lasted a few years, and it was a happy time. I wasn't happier than I had been before, just a different type of happy. My only regret is that I become overly comfortable, started planning too much.
Now, things aren't the same sort of 'ideal' that they used to be. For a while, I continued to view the world through only my two eyes and thought to myself what might be the most disgusting words of encouragement to ever escape the lips of humanity.."Tomorrow will be better." I thought this was optimism, that if I kept my head up I could stay here, in this mindset, in this phase of life, until the pieces aligned once again. The truth is, real optimism is saying today is good the way it is. This is the life I am in, and I can exist here happily. By abandoning the life I had built and comfortably settled in to in favor of transience, I found the happiness I depended upon all those years ago.
I see the world with greater clarity, and I accept that I am changing along side the world I live in. I don't dwell on my desires, but accept the fact that they will change time and time again until a day comes where the life I dream of and the life I have intersect and I once again can take a moment of respite on this journey.
I find the easiest way to get over myself, to see past my minuscule field of vision, is to help others. The people I care about face trials I have faced, and the lessons I have learned become very valuable. Sometimes it takes a few friends coming to you for advice or comfort to show you how insignificant you and your problems are, even within your own life.
My name is Cody Jerome Albert, and I am one of the strangest people you have ever met. I escape the monochromatic hell that life can become by allowing dissonance to color my world. I have my demons, but I don't let them get me down because I am not the main character of my own life story. I am not lost, because I don't know or care to know where I am going. So talk to me about your life, your struggles, your dreams. Share with me your opinions, your experiences, your feelings. Ask me anything at all. And heck, try something new today.
-Shinichi Suzuki
If I could only impart one fragment of wisdom to everyone who has ever looked up to me or been interested in what I had to say, it would be to embrace transience. The concept that nothing is static, that everything changes, is contrary to human nature because we don't see the world from beyond our own eyes. We're hellbent on holding on to the things we love in life because we see the world in black and white. We know what we want and what we don't want, what is good and what is bad. We're scared of the things we like going away because we can't imagine ourselves changing in such a way that we like something else better.
Growing up, I didn't see the world through the eyes of one boy. It was as if my vision was outside of myself, like I was just an onlooker. Always on the outside looking in. I learned so much in this state. I'd understand both sides of a debate, even when I had an opinion. I'd understand why people did the things that they did. My life was a complex network of cogs and springs, which I watched in amazement. Somewhere in my life, I lost this. Now it's coming back. And honestly, that's exactly what I need.
I think I've finally figured it out. I understand where that insight went, why it left, why it's coming back. I won't assume this is true for everyone, but it's certainly the way I'm wired and I can't possibly be the only one. I went from spectator to participant in this world right as the pieces aligned to form what I considered an ideal life. everything was great, I had what I wanted in life, and I was able to step in to it and live for the moment. This lasted a few years, and it was a happy time. I wasn't happier than I had been before, just a different type of happy. My only regret is that I become overly comfortable, started planning too much.
Now, things aren't the same sort of 'ideal' that they used to be. For a while, I continued to view the world through only my two eyes and thought to myself what might be the most disgusting words of encouragement to ever escape the lips of humanity.."Tomorrow will be better." I thought this was optimism, that if I kept my head up I could stay here, in this mindset, in this phase of life, until the pieces aligned once again. The truth is, real optimism is saying today is good the way it is. This is the life I am in, and I can exist here happily. By abandoning the life I had built and comfortably settled in to in favor of transience, I found the happiness I depended upon all those years ago.
I see the world with greater clarity, and I accept that I am changing along side the world I live in. I don't dwell on my desires, but accept the fact that they will change time and time again until a day comes where the life I dream of and the life I have intersect and I once again can take a moment of respite on this journey.
I find the easiest way to get over myself, to see past my minuscule field of vision, is to help others. The people I care about face trials I have faced, and the lessons I have learned become very valuable. Sometimes it takes a few friends coming to you for advice or comfort to show you how insignificant you and your problems are, even within your own life.
My name is Cody Jerome Albert, and I am one of the strangest people you have ever met. I escape the monochromatic hell that life can become by allowing dissonance to color my world. I have my demons, but I don't let them get me down because I am not the main character of my own life story. I am not lost, because I don't know or care to know where I am going. So talk to me about your life, your struggles, your dreams. Share with me your opinions, your experiences, your feelings. Ask me anything at all. And heck, try something new today.
August 27, 2010
Introduction
I'm sitting outside of Panera Bread. It's about 70 degrees, there's a gentle breeze, and the sky above Starbucks and Noodles & Company is a nice orangish blue gradient with scattered dark blue clouds off to the right. Color me inspired.
This is about me. It's about the type of person I am, the way I think, and what you're getting yourself in to if you want to be my friend. This is as honest as I can ever be with anyone. I don't even know where to start, so I'll start from the beginning.
Somewhere around middle school, maybe 7th or 8th grade, I started to realize the type of person I was. At the time, I would have explained that I always feel like I'm on the outside of every situation looking in. An observer. Now I see that a more accurate description would be a left-brained idealist. A logical dreamer. A paradox. I think way too much to believe everything will turn out as I picture, but the picture is still very vivid and detailed. Innocent, but not naive. Romantic, but realistic. I promise it's possible.
I'm shy, but not half as shy as I used to be. I still don't talk very much, but that usually means I'm observing. That part of me still has yet to change, and I doubt it ever will. Unfortunately, being quiet makes you unapproachable. Being self conscious makes you hesitant to approach others. That's about where I am right now, and that's what I have to overcome. Because honestly, I'm lonely. When I'm not talking to people I get depressed. As introverted as I was as a kid, I absolutely love talking to people now. Anyone. Everyone. Even people I don't like, I'd gladly have a conversation with.
I'm addicted to dreaming. And when I dream, I dream big. Sometimes I become disconnected from reality until something comes along and brings me back down to the ground. I don't know if it's healthy or not, but it certainly helps me cope. I've always wished I could draw. Sometimes the dreams, the visions, the things my mind creates while it is idle..they're indescribable. If I could draw them, you'd understand.
Long walks on the beach are lame, but long walks between the hours of 2 and 4 AM are incredible. I find myself outside of coffee shops with my laptop or a book increasingly often. I don't take identity in my status as hardcore gamer or wakeboarder, but in the unique way my mind seems to work. I can get along with anyone because I never allow myself to really fit in to one group or another. That's just who I am.
I know this has been all over the place, but it's my best attempt to really define myself. Certain things about the way I think and react are still a mystery even to me. I try to see everything in life from every possible viewpoint, but often I don't even know what my own is. It drives me crazy.
Anyways, I've been open with everyone who reads this. If you've made it this far, introduce yourself to me. Leave a comment, message me (I'm pretty much always on facebook), I don't care. Doesn't matter if we haven't talked in years or if we're best friends. Tell me something I don't know about you, ask me a question, do whatever. I love talking to people.
This is about me. It's about the type of person I am, the way I think, and what you're getting yourself in to if you want to be my friend. This is as honest as I can ever be with anyone. I don't even know where to start, so I'll start from the beginning.
Somewhere around middle school, maybe 7th or 8th grade, I started to realize the type of person I was. At the time, I would have explained that I always feel like I'm on the outside of every situation looking in. An observer. Now I see that a more accurate description would be a left-brained idealist. A logical dreamer. A paradox. I think way too much to believe everything will turn out as I picture, but the picture is still very vivid and detailed. Innocent, but not naive. Romantic, but realistic. I promise it's possible.
I'm shy, but not half as shy as I used to be. I still don't talk very much, but that usually means I'm observing. That part of me still has yet to change, and I doubt it ever will. Unfortunately, being quiet makes you unapproachable. Being self conscious makes you hesitant to approach others. That's about where I am right now, and that's what I have to overcome. Because honestly, I'm lonely. When I'm not talking to people I get depressed. As introverted as I was as a kid, I absolutely love talking to people now. Anyone. Everyone. Even people I don't like, I'd gladly have a conversation with.
I'm addicted to dreaming. And when I dream, I dream big. Sometimes I become disconnected from reality until something comes along and brings me back down to the ground. I don't know if it's healthy or not, but it certainly helps me cope. I've always wished I could draw. Sometimes the dreams, the visions, the things my mind creates while it is idle..they're indescribable. If I could draw them, you'd understand.
Long walks on the beach are lame, but long walks between the hours of 2 and 4 AM are incredible. I find myself outside of coffee shops with my laptop or a book increasingly often. I don't take identity in my status as hardcore gamer or wakeboarder, but in the unique way my mind seems to work. I can get along with anyone because I never allow myself to really fit in to one group or another. That's just who I am.
I know this has been all over the place, but it's my best attempt to really define myself. Certain things about the way I think and react are still a mystery even to me. I try to see everything in life from every possible viewpoint, but often I don't even know what my own is. It drives me crazy.
Anyways, I've been open with everyone who reads this. If you've made it this far, introduce yourself to me. Leave a comment, message me (I'm pretty much always on facebook), I don't care. Doesn't matter if we haven't talked in years or if we're best friends. Tell me something I don't know about you, ask me a question, do whatever. I love talking to people.
July 5, 2010
Mosaic
This is a blog about a metaphor that hit me out of the blue, one that has given me hope, one that explains how I was finally able to come to terms with my life. But first, some back story.
The past two months or so have been some of the craziest times of my life. Without going into too much detail, the best way to sum it up is that my life has been falling apart, and I've been powerless. Everything has been changing, I've lost many things that I was convinced I'd have forever, and the only thing that's been constant is that at no point have I wanted to be sad. In fact, every step along the way I've really really wanted to be happy, to be content. This is much harder than it sounds. Hanging out with friends and doing things that I loved let me see glimpses of happiness, but I wasn't there yet until recently. I knew it existed, I knew I could attain it, but it took some time. Now, I'm happy. In the New Testament, Paul tells the early church to rejoice in their trials, find happiness in suffering, and I think I've finally figured out how to go about that. Because while my life still isn't what I want it to be necessarily, I'm happy with it regardless.
My life, my family, my relationships, my hobbies..imagine with me for a second that all of those things were materialized as a beautiful vase. Elegant, perfect, expensive, and on display for the world to see. Surely I'll pass this on to my children, who will pass it to their children, etc. A true heirloom. Until a gust of wind shoots through an open window and the vase lies on the floor in pieces. How is one to react? The natural first though is that their must be a way to fix it. Get the hot glue. Tape. Maybe an expert will know what to do. Maybe we can ask around. This vase was everything, it was supposed to be on that table forever. This isn't what I had planned. Now what.
How do you fix a broken vase? Or a broken life, for that matter.
Well, time for some lateral thinking. A broken vase cannot be fixed, but it can be unbroken. It can be changed into something else. A mosaic, for example. The pieces aren't back together, all is not resolved, but its not broken now. Its something different. Something better, maybe. No point in worrying about the shards of glass on the floor. Now they're something beautiful.
So this is what I'm faced with. Everything I knew is different, but only time will tell what happens from here. I am, however, happy. I'm happy with the way things are, despite them not being "what I wanted". I'm happy with the future, even though I don't know what it holds. I don't need money, I don't need security, I don't need a degree, I don't need a girlfriend, nothing that I don't have keeps me from being content and that is an amazing feeling. All of those would be great, but..well, I'm coming to enjoy the mystery of what I will and won't end up actually getting because I know that I have everything I need. I also believe in a God who promises us what we need, but likes to give us what we want. Perhaps I needed to learn what I actually needed, and the only way to go about that is to lose everything else else and find happiness regardless.
Well, that's all I've got. The vase is broken, but the mosaic is pretty neat once you learn to appreciate it. I'm happy with my life, I'm happy with myself, and I'm happy with a mysterious future. I also like talking to new people, so if you read these then no need to be shy!
The past two months or so have been some of the craziest times of my life. Without going into too much detail, the best way to sum it up is that my life has been falling apart, and I've been powerless. Everything has been changing, I've lost many things that I was convinced I'd have forever, and the only thing that's been constant is that at no point have I wanted to be sad. In fact, every step along the way I've really really wanted to be happy, to be content. This is much harder than it sounds. Hanging out with friends and doing things that I loved let me see glimpses of happiness, but I wasn't there yet until recently. I knew it existed, I knew I could attain it, but it took some time. Now, I'm happy. In the New Testament, Paul tells the early church to rejoice in their trials, find happiness in suffering, and I think I've finally figured out how to go about that. Because while my life still isn't what I want it to be necessarily, I'm happy with it regardless.
My life, my family, my relationships, my hobbies..imagine with me for a second that all of those things were materialized as a beautiful vase. Elegant, perfect, expensive, and on display for the world to see. Surely I'll pass this on to my children, who will pass it to their children, etc. A true heirloom. Until a gust of wind shoots through an open window and the vase lies on the floor in pieces. How is one to react? The natural first though is that their must be a way to fix it. Get the hot glue. Tape. Maybe an expert will know what to do. Maybe we can ask around. This vase was everything, it was supposed to be on that table forever. This isn't what I had planned. Now what.
How do you fix a broken vase? Or a broken life, for that matter.
Well, time for some lateral thinking. A broken vase cannot be fixed, but it can be unbroken. It can be changed into something else. A mosaic, for example. The pieces aren't back together, all is not resolved, but its not broken now. Its something different. Something better, maybe. No point in worrying about the shards of glass on the floor. Now they're something beautiful.
So this is what I'm faced with. Everything I knew is different, but only time will tell what happens from here. I am, however, happy. I'm happy with the way things are, despite them not being "what I wanted". I'm happy with the future, even though I don't know what it holds. I don't need money, I don't need security, I don't need a degree, I don't need a girlfriend, nothing that I don't have keeps me from being content and that is an amazing feeling. All of those would be great, but..well, I'm coming to enjoy the mystery of what I will and won't end up actually getting because I know that I have everything I need. I also believe in a God who promises us what we need, but likes to give us what we want. Perhaps I needed to learn what I actually needed, and the only way to go about that is to lose everything else else and find happiness regardless.
Well, that's all I've got. The vase is broken, but the mosaic is pretty neat once you learn to appreciate it. I'm happy with my life, I'm happy with myself, and I'm happy with a mysterious future. I also like talking to new people, so if you read these then no need to be shy!
June 19, 2010
Confessions and Dreams
I have become aware of something. Something very important, very personal. And I think I have some confessions to make.
I've been selfish. For two reasons.
First reason- My dream. My lifelong aspiration. For years, years, it has been my goal in life to be wise. Like, really wise. More than money, more than fame, I wanted wisdom. And great as it sounds and all, it's selfish. Guess what, I know the end of the story. I die, and whatever was in my brain isn't anymore. It's all so fragile. We can't excavate the knowledge left from someone passed away..all that data is instantly wiped. So I have a new dream. One that's similar, but different too. I'll talk about it later.
Second reason- I loved my life. I had a great life, a perfect life even. I couldn't have possibly asked for more. In fact, things were so nice that I never felt like stepping outside of my life. I lost some perspective, stopped seeing things from the outside, became comfortable. Friends struggled, and I did not mourn with them. Others grew away from me, and I did not pursue them. I lose some friends, and I didn't really care. Because I didn't really need them. It took turmoil to wake me up. Only after I no longer had that perfect life did I look outside of it, and start to realize how much I needed others. Now when the people I care about face trials, I am sad with them. I share that burden, because they were there to share my burden. My life is far from what I want it to be, and that's a good thing.
That being said, I apologize to everyone. To my friends, whom I wasn't really there for because I thought "being there" meant giving them someone to come to, not being someone who goes to them when they are in need. I apologize to my former friends, because..well whoever is to blame for the end of the relationship, I have no doubt in my mind that I didn't do my part to save it. I haven't a clue what happens from here, but at the very least I promise to you that no matter what our relationship is, I'm willing to talk.
So, back to dreams. After 5 or 6 years, I have a new dream. A new goal in life.
I want to change lives.
Dreadfully cliche, no? I guess I should be more specific. I still want to be wise, but not so I can sit around and revel in my wisdom. I want to make people think differently. I want them to reconsider their lives, reconsider their choices, reconsider the way they think..anything, so long as it is a catalyst for change. Catalyst is a good word for it. I don't need credit, I don't even want credit. I just want to start something. Because when I die, that will continue. And I'm saddened by the shortsightedness of my generation.
I don't really know what this looks like, to be perfectly honest, and I expect it to change through my life. For now, maybe my writing is the best way for me to change people. In the future, maybe my audible words will have the same weight. Maybe just the way I choose to live my life will affect people. I have no idea. But whatever it may be, I want to know that I made a difference, that I contributed to something greater than myself. I never even imagined that I had been living for myself, but I think I see that now. I think many people my age live for themselves. And if Wikipedia taught us anything, its that collective intelligence is a powerful thing. In other words, its impossible to see the truth without reaching outside of your own life, sharing with others, discovering things. No matter how hard I think, I'll be wrong about things until I hear someone else's view on it.
My life is open now. I hope yours is too. Then, maybe we'll be able to accomplish something great.
I've been selfish. For two reasons.
First reason- My dream. My lifelong aspiration. For years, years, it has been my goal in life to be wise. Like, really wise. More than money, more than fame, I wanted wisdom. And great as it sounds and all, it's selfish. Guess what, I know the end of the story. I die, and whatever was in my brain isn't anymore. It's all so fragile. We can't excavate the knowledge left from someone passed away..all that data is instantly wiped. So I have a new dream. One that's similar, but different too. I'll talk about it later.
Second reason- I loved my life. I had a great life, a perfect life even. I couldn't have possibly asked for more. In fact, things were so nice that I never felt like stepping outside of my life. I lost some perspective, stopped seeing things from the outside, became comfortable. Friends struggled, and I did not mourn with them. Others grew away from me, and I did not pursue them. I lose some friends, and I didn't really care. Because I didn't really need them. It took turmoil to wake me up. Only after I no longer had that perfect life did I look outside of it, and start to realize how much I needed others. Now when the people I care about face trials, I am sad with them. I share that burden, because they were there to share my burden. My life is far from what I want it to be, and that's a good thing.
That being said, I apologize to everyone. To my friends, whom I wasn't really there for because I thought "being there" meant giving them someone to come to, not being someone who goes to them when they are in need. I apologize to my former friends, because..well whoever is to blame for the end of the relationship, I have no doubt in my mind that I didn't do my part to save it. I haven't a clue what happens from here, but at the very least I promise to you that no matter what our relationship is, I'm willing to talk.
So, back to dreams. After 5 or 6 years, I have a new dream. A new goal in life.
I want to change lives.
Dreadfully cliche, no? I guess I should be more specific. I still want to be wise, but not so I can sit around and revel in my wisdom. I want to make people think differently. I want them to reconsider their lives, reconsider their choices, reconsider the way they think..anything, so long as it is a catalyst for change. Catalyst is a good word for it. I don't need credit, I don't even want credit. I just want to start something. Because when I die, that will continue. And I'm saddened by the shortsightedness of my generation.
I don't really know what this looks like, to be perfectly honest, and I expect it to change through my life. For now, maybe my writing is the best way for me to change people. In the future, maybe my audible words will have the same weight. Maybe just the way I choose to live my life will affect people. I have no idea. But whatever it may be, I want to know that I made a difference, that I contributed to something greater than myself. I never even imagined that I had been living for myself, but I think I see that now. I think many people my age live for themselves. And if Wikipedia taught us anything, its that collective intelligence is a powerful thing. In other words, its impossible to see the truth without reaching outside of your own life, sharing with others, discovering things. No matter how hard I think, I'll be wrong about things until I hear someone else's view on it.
My life is open now. I hope yours is too. Then, maybe we'll be able to accomplish something great.
June 12, 2010
The Formspring Effect
It's funny, because this is a topic that's been floating around in my mind for years. This whole principle of opening up to the internet, something I have been incredibly guilty of myself and something that has never been better represented than by the website Formspring (http://www.formspring.me). So what is this website all about? Why has it become massively popular? I think I definitely have the answer.
People love spilling their secrets. They love being interviewed. Love answering questions. Love showing what they are thinking to others, being interesting in that regard. Formspring. Postsecret. Questionnaires. Lists of items where you bold every one you have done before. You all know exactly what I'm talking about. Most of you are guilty of one of these. I know I am.
So why do we come out so openly on the internet? Inhibitions, self-consciousness, social anxiety... These are issues ALL of us deal with. Most people can't look someone in the eye and say "Yes, I lost my virginity. Yes, I smoke pot. Yes, I do things that are socially unacceptable." And yet, when we are just typing our deepest and darkest secrets into a computer, or pasting them to a postcard and mailing them away, it's so easy! We aren't considering the reactions of people reading, the faces they make, the thoughts they think.. It's like closing your eyes before downing that disgusting cough syrup. This can be very good, and very bad.
We'll start with the bad. What is the Formspring Effect doing to us? Well, perhaps more than anything, my generation isn't learning to be social. We aren't learning how to look each other in the eyes, how to be open, how to connect with each other. We all know more about each other than ever before, but all that knowledge seems to inhabit some different layer than the one we interact with each other on. The quiet, severely introverted wallflower finds this great way to express himself and get his mind and his heart out to others, but it takes him seven freaking years to learn how to look a friend in the face and tell them how he feels. He can post to Livejournal, Xanga, Myspace, Facebook, Blogger, etc. telling everyone he knows that his heart is truly mourning over events in his life, but he becomes complacent and never conquers his inability to go to lunch with someone and talk to them about that pain.
God forbid anyone know who I'm talking about right now.
And yes, I used to always be terrified when someone came up to me in person and wanted to talk to me about my blog posts.
So what about the good? Well, I think this whole development is very interesting. In the same way many people use it as a crutch to avoid social development, others seem to find it as a springboard. Answering these questions about their thoughts and their hearts helps build those neural connections, gets them analyzing themselves sooner. Heck, I swear the next generation is becoming mature faster than mine did, because they are being given so many ways to express themselves. And I remember very vividly that expressing myself lead to me realizing there was something to express, which lead to self-discovery, which lead to who I am now. Kids are trying to answer some very difficult questions about themselves sooner. And maybe, just MAYBE, they are finding the answers sooner than we ever hoped to.
This story is definitely not over. I'm pretty interested to see how social networking affects the world as we know it. The dynamics of our relationships are being drastically altered by the internet, and that's kind of cool. But do yourself a favor- find a good friend, look them in the eye, and tell them how you feel. Don't get stuck venting your feelings through one way glass.
People love spilling their secrets. They love being interviewed. Love answering questions. Love showing what they are thinking to others, being interesting in that regard. Formspring. Postsecret. Questionnaires. Lists of items where you bold every one you have done before. You all know exactly what I'm talking about. Most of you are guilty of one of these. I know I am.
So why do we come out so openly on the internet? Inhibitions, self-consciousness, social anxiety... These are issues ALL of us deal with. Most people can't look someone in the eye and say "Yes, I lost my virginity. Yes, I smoke pot. Yes, I do things that are socially unacceptable." And yet, when we are just typing our deepest and darkest secrets into a computer, or pasting them to a postcard and mailing them away, it's so easy! We aren't considering the reactions of people reading, the faces they make, the thoughts they think.. It's like closing your eyes before downing that disgusting cough syrup. This can be very good, and very bad.
We'll start with the bad. What is the Formspring Effect doing to us? Well, perhaps more than anything, my generation isn't learning to be social. We aren't learning how to look each other in the eyes, how to be open, how to connect with each other. We all know more about each other than ever before, but all that knowledge seems to inhabit some different layer than the one we interact with each other on. The quiet, severely introverted wallflower finds this great way to express himself and get his mind and his heart out to others, but it takes him seven freaking years to learn how to look a friend in the face and tell them how he feels. He can post to Livejournal, Xanga, Myspace, Facebook, Blogger, etc. telling everyone he knows that his heart is truly mourning over events in his life, but he becomes complacent and never conquers his inability to go to lunch with someone and talk to them about that pain.
God forbid anyone know who I'm talking about right now.
And yes, I used to always be terrified when someone came up to me in person and wanted to talk to me about my blog posts.
So what about the good? Well, I think this whole development is very interesting. In the same way many people use it as a crutch to avoid social development, others seem to find it as a springboard. Answering these questions about their thoughts and their hearts helps build those neural connections, gets them analyzing themselves sooner. Heck, I swear the next generation is becoming mature faster than mine did, because they are being given so many ways to express themselves. And I remember very vividly that expressing myself lead to me realizing there was something to express, which lead to self-discovery, which lead to who I am now. Kids are trying to answer some very difficult questions about themselves sooner. And maybe, just MAYBE, they are finding the answers sooner than we ever hoped to.
This story is definitely not over. I'm pretty interested to see how social networking affects the world as we know it. The dynamics of our relationships are being drastically altered by the internet, and that's kind of cool. But do yourself a favor- find a good friend, look them in the eye, and tell them how you feel. Don't get stuck venting your feelings through one way glass.
June 5, 2010
Disarray
I want to start writing again. I do. However, at times like this, my thoughts aren't exactly..linear. There is no train of thought to catch a ride on. They are more like fireworks. This is what has made it difficult for me to write recently. So lets dissect it. Find the themes. What literary devices are at work here. What is the thesis.
As far as I am from an English major, these principles seem to work in so many other places.
So, themes. The phoenix metaphor comes to mind. As does the power of words. Trials. Perseverance. Providence. Oh, that's a good one..providence. Faith is another good one.
I'm reading Lullaby. It's essentially the story of a reporter who discovers an old poem which actually turns out to be a spell, painlessly killing anyone who it is used on. Sounds like a neat story, and I'm sure there's some deep metaphors at work here. However, we don't have to search for them. Palahniuk has a way of throwing his literary devices at people- he'll just tell you. Its about sound, words, quietness, society. We are afraid of silence. At the same time, we want our words to have power. We pray. We read books and watch cartoons about magic, spells, etc. We imagine physical consequences to sounds as a representation of the mental and emotional consequences we know exist.
How about another theme. The phoenix one. Rebirth. Its funny how that applies to everything. I mean, its always true. Whether we're talking about civilizations rising from the ashes of their predecessors, or even the fact that most injuries a human can endure lead to some sort of resilience. Broken bones are stronger when they repair. Viruses leave behind immunities.
And now I can finally start to form a line, a train of thought, a story. This is why I have to write. Perseverance. Just as breaking a bone makes it stronger, a broken person comes back stronger. Pain and suffering are good, in the long run. It just sucks while the bone is still broken. Impatience may be the enemy of humanity.
And from there, providence. We need pain to develop perseverance, but we also need to be nursed back to health. We all need to cope. There are an infinite number of ways people find to do this. For me, its talking. Talking to others. Bouncing ideas off of people. Making sure I'm sane, making sure I'm viewing things objectively. Not being consumed. And lo and behold, I find people in my life to do just that. The things I'm going through right now, I could probably name 5 different people going through something similar. Similar, but not identical. That's the beauty of it. I don't have to screw up time and time again, just share my experiences and learn from others. Grow close to the people who are enduring trials as well, and find the light at the end of the tunnel.
The best way to deal with a lack of control in your life is to help others.
It's the engineer in me, I swear. We fix things. Solve problems. What do you do when faced with a problem that can't be fixed? You help someone else fix their problems, and you wait. Maybe tomorrow's invention will bring the solution you need. Maybe it won't. But at least you're fixing something.
I imagine this all makes no sense to anyone. That's ok. It's served its purpose. So now that the pieces are a bit more connected, lets start from the beginning.
Never in my life have I been in a more interesting position. It's intriguing. My life interests me. It's creepy. Many things have happened, none of which are particularly relevant, Nor is it possible to name one, as my position right now is definitely the product of many different elements. However, I'm here. And there seems to be a spot for me in society, a spot where I can still do what I like to do- solve problems. All while learning patience, learning perseverance, learning to have faith. I don't know what tomorrow holds, or the next day, or the next year, or anything like that. This is new. Or rather, I am no longer under the illusion that I know my future. On one side of things, I feel powerless. On the other, I feel free. And perhaps this is why my life is so interesting right now. Every thought has a counterthought, everything's a battle, for every action there is an opposite but equal reaction. For every reward, there is a risk. The risk is me falling off of the earth, my mind drifting somewhere up in space. The reward is happiness, and the life I dream of. Oddly enough, that dream changes pretty frequently.
I plan to start writing again, and hopefully I can get a rein on my thoughts before long. As pretty as fireworks are, they are never really going anywhere. For me, that's probably because I don't know where to go. But once I have a direction, I'll start running again.
April 8, 2010
Mind and Body: An Attempt to Improve my Life
As you may have seen on that last post, things have been looking somewhat grim. However, I'm optimistic. Maybe its the fact that summer seems to be right around the corner, but I'm ready to make things better.
I would like to first clarify that not everything is bad. In fact, my life is pretty good. But that's no thanks to me. So if I do my part to make things better, then I just might be able to get through college! Hurray!
So here's the plan:
Body:
-Drop to 160 lbs by the end up the summer (current: 177)
-Learn the meaning of proper hygiene
-Relax
Mind:
-Learn how to study BEFORE a test is coming up
-Make some friends
-Relax
And how will I accomplish all this at once? Well here's what I'm hoping for.
Every tues, wed, thurs, and either saturday or sunday (other days, if plans permit):
-30 minutes of Wii Fit
-30 minutes taking shower, brushing teeth, using acne stuff that smells funny
-30 minutes to an hour of textbook reading
7 days a week:
-1 soda per day (2 on weekends)
-Eat until I'm satisfied, not stuffed
-Asleep by 2:30 AM (Gotta start somewhere)
-Be more social
So now anyone reading this is wondering, "Why the heck do I need to know all that?" There are two reasons.
1. I'm open to any other suggestions on this stuff.
2. Accountability! If its public, I have to keep up with it, right? Seriously though, the more nagging I get the better. I'm pretty serious about this.
And no mom and dad, number 2 doesn't apply to you. You've nagged me on this stuff for 20 years, it's not going to start working now.
Anyways, the plan is to drop the stress and doubts that have made it hard for me to be happy. Here's to hoping it works out.
March 24, 2010
One Year, Five Months, Twenty-One Days
That's how long it has been since I have written on this blog. That's how long it's been since I've written much of anything outside of an essay or two. And I'm starting to wonder if writing was the only thing that kept me sane. I'm having trouble keeping my thoughts straight, so hopefully getting them out will help once again as it used to. And to be perfectly honest, I could really use some advice. So here we go..this might be a long one.
We'll start with the good. I'm almost done with my second year of college, and I haven't yet gotten kicked out. I can now program, and I'm pretty good at it. Some great video games have come out, I have become the leader of my guild in World of Warcraft (laugh all you want), and Kaitlyn isn't going anywhere any time soon.
Now for the rest. Schools a big stress factor in my life right now. Half way through, I'm starting to realize that I don't like it. I like what I'm learning, but the stress I'm putting on myself with 15 credits and 20 hours at work a week keeps me pretty uptight. This semester has been particularly bad, for some reason. Some might call it depression. I've already had to add an extra semester to my school plans, and my grades are hardly noteworthy.
On that note.. I've failed two classes. Gotten two C's. The rest are B's.
I need to know it gets better from here, and I've heard people say it does, but I've heard people say it gets worse too. I've thought about changing to a Computer Science major, but my self esteem has hit an all time low as it is. Compromising on my choice of major and throwing away a ton of the effort I put in for 7 solid years leading up to college would be incredibly disappointing. Yet, part of me just wants to accept that school will suck, go with the easier major, get done and get on with my life. I am very envious of people who love college, and I don't know why I'm so stressed all the time and they aren't. In some of my classes, I can't figure out why everyone seems to know what's going on and how to solve the problems except me. And I can't shake the fact that having to retake Calculus 1 and 2 gives me a pretty low chance to graduate, based on the statistics.
On that note, I may as well mention the second big punch to the face, and huge blow to my self esteem, that I took in the last year and a half.
Friends. Or rather, my lack thereof recently. I'll have to leave out many of the details- just because I'll spill everything I'm thinking doesn't mean I can talk about other people. However, lets just say I can count my close friends on one hand now. Betrayal, self-righteousness, apathy.. practically something different for each friend I've lost. I'm pretty confident that I haven't changed, so I can't help but wonder if they changed or if some of them were only my friends until I needed them to stand up for me. And after that whole mess, I really don't have anyone who is in a position to stand up for me. I tell myself it doesn't bug me anymore, that I'm over it. But it keeps me from sleeping at least once a week.
So I'm stressed. I need help. I need advice. I need time. I've thought of everything. I've considered quitting my job, but watching my bank account drain as fast as it would can only create more stress. I've thought about cutting back on video games, or quitting WoW, but that game is perhaps the only thing other then Kaitlyn that is keeping me sane. I'll be honest, the only things that consistently make me happy are hanging out with friends and raiding.
I mentioned being a guild leader, and I doubt most people know what that means. It's essentially a group of players that get to know each other, talk, and group up for either 10 man or 25 man dungeons. We have over 100 members, and a Facebook group with 45 people in it ranging from 15 to 60ish. And I, along with 7 officers, keep everything afloat. And I don't want to get cocky, but its the only thing I do where I honestly feel like I'm not half bad at it. They respect me (despite being mostly older then me), and I can get some very good advice from them. We have at least 3 people who were Computer Engineer Majors, some who made it through and some who switched to other things. And lets be honest.. it feels good to stab dragons. Those people make me proud, and I can't convince myself that stepping back from that would be good for me.
Well, I think that's all I really have to say for now. But I need advice. Do I stay with my major? Am I making some huge mistake in life that I'll end up regretting? Are my priorities out of order? I can't tell anymore.. I find myself just trying to make it to the next week.
We'll start with the good. I'm almost done with my second year of college, and I haven't yet gotten kicked out. I can now program, and I'm pretty good at it. Some great video games have come out, I have become the leader of my guild in World of Warcraft (laugh all you want), and Kaitlyn isn't going anywhere any time soon.
Now for the rest. Schools a big stress factor in my life right now. Half way through, I'm starting to realize that I don't like it. I like what I'm learning, but the stress I'm putting on myself with 15 credits and 20 hours at work a week keeps me pretty uptight. This semester has been particularly bad, for some reason. Some might call it depression. I've already had to add an extra semester to my school plans, and my grades are hardly noteworthy.
On that note.. I've failed two classes. Gotten two C's. The rest are B's.
I need to know it gets better from here, and I've heard people say it does, but I've heard people say it gets worse too. I've thought about changing to a Computer Science major, but my self esteem has hit an all time low as it is. Compromising on my choice of major and throwing away a ton of the effort I put in for 7 solid years leading up to college would be incredibly disappointing. Yet, part of me just wants to accept that school will suck, go with the easier major, get done and get on with my life. I am very envious of people who love college, and I don't know why I'm so stressed all the time and they aren't. In some of my classes, I can't figure out why everyone seems to know what's going on and how to solve the problems except me. And I can't shake the fact that having to retake Calculus 1 and 2 gives me a pretty low chance to graduate, based on the statistics.
On that note, I may as well mention the second big punch to the face, and huge blow to my self esteem, that I took in the last year and a half.
Friends. Or rather, my lack thereof recently. I'll have to leave out many of the details- just because I'll spill everything I'm thinking doesn't mean I can talk about other people. However, lets just say I can count my close friends on one hand now. Betrayal, self-righteousness, apathy.. practically something different for each friend I've lost. I'm pretty confident that I haven't changed, so I can't help but wonder if they changed or if some of them were only my friends until I needed them to stand up for me. And after that whole mess, I really don't have anyone who is in a position to stand up for me. I tell myself it doesn't bug me anymore, that I'm over it. But it keeps me from sleeping at least once a week.
So I'm stressed. I need help. I need advice. I need time. I've thought of everything. I've considered quitting my job, but watching my bank account drain as fast as it would can only create more stress. I've thought about cutting back on video games, or quitting WoW, but that game is perhaps the only thing other then Kaitlyn that is keeping me sane. I'll be honest, the only things that consistently make me happy are hanging out with friends and raiding.
I mentioned being a guild leader, and I doubt most people know what that means. It's essentially a group of players that get to know each other, talk, and group up for either 10 man or 25 man dungeons. We have over 100 members, and a Facebook group with 45 people in it ranging from 15 to 60ish. And I, along with 7 officers, keep everything afloat. And I don't want to get cocky, but its the only thing I do where I honestly feel like I'm not half bad at it. They respect me (despite being mostly older then me), and I can get some very good advice from them. We have at least 3 people who were Computer Engineer Majors, some who made it through and some who switched to other things. And lets be honest.. it feels good to stab dragons. Those people make me proud, and I can't convince myself that stepping back from that would be good for me.
Well, I think that's all I really have to say for now. But I need advice. Do I stay with my major? Am I making some huge mistake in life that I'll end up regretting? Are my priorities out of order? I can't tell anymore.. I find myself just trying to make it to the next week.
September 16, 2008
Discrimination of Entertainment:The Elitism of the Literary Community
It's common knowledge to the average person that the literary community is one of elegant superiority and devotion to the works which they analyze so excessively. But what value does literature really hold in today's society? We hear several viewpoints on the importance of literature and the dangers of other facets of entertainment, but unknowingly we accept the assumptions and claims put forth by those that study and teach literature. What causes this phenomenon to occur so subtly but so completely? Perhaps many forget that those who study rhetoric are the best at it, able to persuade the population based on their beliefs rather then on solid facts.
One of the most dangerous and fictitious assumptions proponents of literature have led us to believe is the common stereotype that books are knowledge, TV kills brain cells, and video games turn children into demonic little monsters. Whether or not everyone agrees, everyone makes assumptions based on these principles. But what exactly is literature, and why would anyone believe it to be superior to other facets of entertainment and/or education? Literature is stereotyped as educational, deep, and intellectual, while TV programs are stereotyped as violent and superficial. But do these stereotypes represent reality? Channels such as National Geographic and The Discovery Channel teach and entertain simultaniously, while many highly regarded works of literature contain graphic sexual scenes with debatable importance to the plot or message of the book. These scenes are often masked as having literarly value in the same fashion pornography is masked as "artistic expression". Let's be honest here.. entertainment is a dominating force in our society, and learning is a very difficult process unless accompanyed by some degree of entertainment. The key difference between knowledge from books and knowledge from TV or other facets of entertainment is that books tend to teach vague concepts and ideas, while TV often teaches more practical knowledge. Its suprising that the practical knowledge gained from a TV program is often looked down upon as unnessecary, when we all so firmly claim that actions speak louder then words (Or practice accomplishes more then ideas, in this case).
But I wouldn't want to rely on only educational TV channels to prove my point, so lets explore the opposite end of the spectrum. The epitome of vulgarity and violence on television..South Park for example. Though I very rarely find myself watching the show, it would be ignorant to claim the educational value of the show is any less then that of a book like To Kill a Mockingbird, the most famous example of a coming-of-age novel in the literary community. In To Kill A Mockingbird, readers learn about what it is like to grow up, from the perspective of Harper Lee. We often forget that Harper Lee wrote the book as an adult, that we all know what growing up is like, and that no knowledge is gained from speculating about what some fictional character's past is like. An English teacher would be infuriated by this analysis, arguing that Harper Lee is a brilliant writer who wrote a fascinating and deep story about growing up in the 30s, and anyone who doesn't read it is missing out. I fail to see how this is anything but entertainment, read for pleasure rather then knowledge and enlightenment. Even if Lee was trying to educate readers on life in the 30s, it'd be foolish to base your knowledge of a decade on the fictional story of a single writer. South Park, on the other hand, is interlaced with social commentary and current events. I won't go as far as to say that watching the show will enrich your daily life, but it is most certainly an alternate way to keep up to date with cultural events, and see controversial issues in a different light then the watered down nonoffensive way we're used to seeing them. Just as Harper Lee aims to entertain with a story about an era, the writers of South Park entertain with comedy about current events. As far as I can tell, literature and television are pretty equal in educational value, despite what elite book club members and literature professors would claim.
To touch on one final point before my conclusion, lets look at the controversial issue of video games. Many seek to blame them for violence in children, saying kids need to just read books like the "old days". If video games have such a negative effect, wouldn't we have seen a rise in violence around the time of their invention? Wouldn't it be scientifically proven based on the majority, rather then a few nutcases who claim they killed a man after playing too much Grand Theft Auto? In making these accusations, people fail to even consider positive effects of video games. The most common benefit is increased reflexes, proven by the fact that most popular video games have been implemented into rehabilitation. A gamer could also explain social and leadership skills gained through emerging gaming communities, clans, and the virtual world known as Second Life. Many gamers admire the music and art of a game in a similar way one would admire a famous painting or a beautiful sonnet. Game designers come from a multitude of disciplines and bring numerous talents into the project, is it fair to discredit them just because their product is interactive?
Perhaps literature is a great source of knowledge and entertainment, but lets not narrow our minds and throw out all of the other great things in society today. Discrediting forms of entertainment other then literature because of reasons the literature elitists give us is hardly fair, and doing so excludes thousands upon thousands of beautiful, brilliant, and admirable works of art. I think the fabled time where teens read books in their spare time will come as soon as English professors sit down for a game of Halo.
One of the most dangerous and fictitious assumptions proponents of literature have led us to believe is the common stereotype that books are knowledge, TV kills brain cells, and video games turn children into demonic little monsters. Whether or not everyone agrees, everyone makes assumptions based on these principles. But what exactly is literature, and why would anyone believe it to be superior to other facets of entertainment and/or education? Literature is stereotyped as educational, deep, and intellectual, while TV programs are stereotyped as violent and superficial. But do these stereotypes represent reality? Channels such as National Geographic and The Discovery Channel teach and entertain simultaniously, while many highly regarded works of literature contain graphic sexual scenes with debatable importance to the plot or message of the book. These scenes are often masked as having literarly value in the same fashion pornography is masked as "artistic expression". Let's be honest here.. entertainment is a dominating force in our society, and learning is a very difficult process unless accompanyed by some degree of entertainment. The key difference between knowledge from books and knowledge from TV or other facets of entertainment is that books tend to teach vague concepts and ideas, while TV often teaches more practical knowledge. Its suprising that the practical knowledge gained from a TV program is often looked down upon as unnessecary, when we all so firmly claim that actions speak louder then words (Or practice accomplishes more then ideas, in this case).
But I wouldn't want to rely on only educational TV channels to prove my point, so lets explore the opposite end of the spectrum. The epitome of vulgarity and violence on television..South Park for example. Though I very rarely find myself watching the show, it would be ignorant to claim the educational value of the show is any less then that of a book like To Kill a Mockingbird, the most famous example of a coming-of-age novel in the literary community. In To Kill A Mockingbird, readers learn about what it is like to grow up, from the perspective of Harper Lee. We often forget that Harper Lee wrote the book as an adult, that we all know what growing up is like, and that no knowledge is gained from speculating about what some fictional character's past is like. An English teacher would be infuriated by this analysis, arguing that Harper Lee is a brilliant writer who wrote a fascinating and deep story about growing up in the 30s, and anyone who doesn't read it is missing out. I fail to see how this is anything but entertainment, read for pleasure rather then knowledge and enlightenment. Even if Lee was trying to educate readers on life in the 30s, it'd be foolish to base your knowledge of a decade on the fictional story of a single writer. South Park, on the other hand, is interlaced with social commentary and current events. I won't go as far as to say that watching the show will enrich your daily life, but it is most certainly an alternate way to keep up to date with cultural events, and see controversial issues in a different light then the watered down nonoffensive way we're used to seeing them. Just as Harper Lee aims to entertain with a story about an era, the writers of South Park entertain with comedy about current events. As far as I can tell, literature and television are pretty equal in educational value, despite what elite book club members and literature professors would claim.
To touch on one final point before my conclusion, lets look at the controversial issue of video games. Many seek to blame them for violence in children, saying kids need to just read books like the "old days". If video games have such a negative effect, wouldn't we have seen a rise in violence around the time of their invention? Wouldn't it be scientifically proven based on the majority, rather then a few nutcases who claim they killed a man after playing too much Grand Theft Auto? In making these accusations, people fail to even consider positive effects of video games. The most common benefit is increased reflexes, proven by the fact that most popular video games have been implemented into rehabilitation. A gamer could also explain social and leadership skills gained through emerging gaming communities, clans, and the virtual world known as Second Life. Many gamers admire the music and art of a game in a similar way one would admire a famous painting or a beautiful sonnet. Game designers come from a multitude of disciplines and bring numerous talents into the project, is it fair to discredit them just because their product is interactive?
Perhaps literature is a great source of knowledge and entertainment, but lets not narrow our minds and throw out all of the other great things in society today. Discrediting forms of entertainment other then literature because of reasons the literature elitists give us is hardly fair, and doing so excludes thousands upon thousands of beautiful, brilliant, and admirable works of art. I think the fabled time where teens read books in their spare time will come as soon as English professors sit down for a game of Halo.
September 2, 2008
College
Well, I made it. University of Maryland, James A. Clark School of Engineering, its the first day of school, and they weren't kidding when they said you could get internet anywhere here. Well, in a perfect world the fancy laptop, constant internet, and occasional downtime will inspire me to start writing in here more then once a month. We'll see how that goes though.
This place is..honestly, exactly how I expected it to be. Its kind of nice knowing that around 10,000 kids are wandering around as lost as you are. I'm hanging around here after school, trying to get oriented a little bit and maybe hang out with some on campus kids. That will be neat.
My engineering class was cool, I think that's gonna be fun. Lego Mindstorms powering a hovercraft..right up my alley. We got out early, so Ive still got 45 minutes till English. Its a rhetoric class! In the engineering lab building! How ironic!!
..that was horrible.
Anyways, I'll be glad to know while I'm learning about such things as irony, they'll be splitting atoms and firing radioactive rays at us across the hall. Sweet.
I think being here is still sinking in a bit. Once I get used to things, I think I may really like it.. I'm a college student. That's bizarre.
Anyways, I'm gonna go browse the interwebs for a bit till my next class starts, Hopefully you'll hear from me a bit more.
This place is..honestly, exactly how I expected it to be. Its kind of nice knowing that around 10,000 kids are wandering around as lost as you are. I'm hanging around here after school, trying to get oriented a little bit and maybe hang out with some on campus kids. That will be neat.
My engineering class was cool, I think that's gonna be fun. Lego Mindstorms powering a hovercraft..right up my alley. We got out early, so Ive still got 45 minutes till English. Its a rhetoric class! In the engineering lab building! How ironic!!
..that was horrible.
Anyways, I'll be glad to know while I'm learning about such things as irony, they'll be splitting atoms and firing radioactive rays at us across the hall. Sweet.
I think being here is still sinking in a bit. Once I get used to things, I think I may really like it.. I'm a college student. That's bizarre.
Anyways, I'm gonna go browse the interwebs for a bit till my next class starts, Hopefully you'll hear from me a bit more.
August 4, 2008
E3 Closure
So I was going to do the other two parts of E3, but..well..nothing really happened. Animal Crossing. That's it.
Be sure to tune in to the Sony briefing to hear the audience literally laugh when they announce proudly their horrid sales statistics.
Thats all.
Be sure to tune in to the Sony briefing to hear the audience literally laugh when they announce proudly their horrid sales statistics.
Thats all.
July 14, 2008
E3 Part 1- Microsoft
Yes, Im doing a commentary on the major spotlights of E3. Yes, everything I say is true.
Fallout 3-
Looks pretty cool. Like the storyline and humor. But..uh..wait. You can pause the action, decide where you want the enemy to get hit, and watch the cutscene of the guy getting shot..? Wheres the skill?! I don't understand..
Resident Evil 5-
This game is looking great. Love the graphics, and online 2 player Coop? Amazing addition if you ask me. We got a release date too, March 13th 2009. Its a friday. Very clever guys, release the evil zombie game on friday the 13th.
Fable 2-
Another great game if you ask me. Beautiful graphics, an intriguing teaser. And semi MMO qualities. Your friends appear as orbs, and you can invite them into your world? I like. 10 points for Fable 2.
Gears of War 2-
What everyone expected I guess. Most of what was seen they've already slipped on, so nothing super great. Release date of November 17th this year. I'm not too thrilled, but I suppose I can see why some are.
Microsoft NPD data- Look! Xbox 360 is winning by a lil bit in sales! Of course..this is North American sales..and the other two companies are Japanese companies..but we arent gonna include their data. That would make it obvious how bad we're actually doing compared to the Wii.
Xbox Menu Update-
Fail. Mega fail. Lets screw over our excellent overlay interface by changing it to a horrible attempt at impersonating the Wii! While we're at it, lets jack Miis and..well..try to be more like Nintendo. Wii=games for everyone. Xbox=games for gamers who like fps shooty gore. GET IT RIGHT! Sorry Xbox 360 owners, your convenient easy to use menus are gonna get discarded for a clunky annoying interface this fall. Sorry!
Xbox Arcade Games- Im sorry guys, but you're putting WAY too much emphasis on 10 dollar rehashes of arcade games. Im sure they're cool and all, but we aren't as excited as you are about this stuff. With the exception of..
Portal: Still Alive-
New portal levels for Xbox owners?? Nothing is not great about this.. Of course, they kinda made it seem as if its a Xbox exclusive but I have my doubts thats gonna happen. Last I checked, Valve loves PC owners. MASSIVE Team Fortress 2 updates were given only to the PC crowd, so I think we'll all get our hands on these new portal levels somehow.
Netflix-
Alright, its kinda cool how you can rent movies off your xbox. But wait.. can't we do that on tv already with on demand? Wait.. is this really that much better then actual Netflix? Maybe..but probably not. And you and your friends can watch a movie you rent from your own homes on your own xboxes with the "brilliant" new party interface..Wow you guys are losers. Like, seriously! Can you really not afford the gas money to convene at one persons house and actually reassure yourself you have friends? No further comment.
Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts-
Looks beautiful, like genuinely fun gameplay and such. Not sure about the focus on vehicle building, doesnt really have a place in the BK universe but I suppose thats ok. One problem. Does the Xbox 360 really have an audience for this kinda game? Like..honestly. I know Microsoft wanted to get Rare away from Nintendo but..Microsoft attracts the wrong kind of audience for this sort of game. Not sure how well its honestly gonna do. Semi-fail.
Viva Pinata 2-
Like the first, but with a 2 in the title.
You're in the Movies-
Looks incredibly lame. Maybe about as much fun as..I don't know, tic tac toe? Noones gonna buy this..
Guitar Hero: World Tour-
Oh great, another guitar hero. Its like the rest but..oh wait, we ripped off the Rock Band drum set. Wow guys...wow. Thats old news by the way, so what are you doing at E3 again? Telling us how this game lets you make and share music "for the first time". Even though Jam with the Band did it in Japan already..and hundreds of online applications already have done it..epic fail. Learn your facts before you speak, good sir. Oh, wait, I almost forgot. More overpriced downloadable songs. Woohoo! I love paying out the butt for songs! Apparently saying you can download Metallica makes it all better.. I don't see the appeal personally.
Lips-
Like Karaoke Revolution for the PS2, but..wait..no, its like Karaoke Revolution. Its cool that you can plug your Zune in (Yep, pretty sure you need a Zune) and sing along to your own music, but not sure you really need a game to do that. You know, this would be better if combined with Guitar Hero World Tour! Wait..then it would be Rock Band. Seeing a trend here? Also, please get Duffy off the screen. She's disgusting me, and I don't really care if she can sing her own song on Lips.. Its obvious that this is less of a game demo and more of a fan service.
Rock Band 2-
There we go! Finally something we care about! And it comes out in September on the 360, looks like the other systems are getting released later. Wonder how much Microsoft had to pay for that. A bit too early in my opinion, they could have waited a year or so. 84 songs, all original recordings..Its like Guitar Hero but you don't have to pay for half of them! Don't you love when games make sense? A few great songs included, never before seen in a music game. You know..why does guitar hero still exist? Its kinda failing in comparison. Heck, RB2 got Metallica too..so why is GHWT bragging about it..? You have to pay extra to download Metallica for GH too O.o. In RB2 you can import ALL the downloaded and included songs from Rock Band 1, meaning no disc swapping and a reason to buy the sequal. Wow..they're really being smart about this. Over 500 total songs available by the end of this year? Bravo Rockband, bravo.
Square Enix-
I can't understand a word this man is saying. I know he's the president of SE and all, but they couldn't get a translator like they did with the RE5 guy? Looks like 3 SE games are being announced. None of them are particularly exciting, as they don't have "Final Fantasy" OR "Kingdom Hearts" in the titles. We got Star Ocean, The Last Remnant, and..er..something else. The teaser for The Last Remnant looked pretty cool, but kinda like every other rpg ever made. Nothing too incredible. Its coming out on the PC though, which is odd for SE. We'd better see some Kingdom hearts from you guys tomorrow, with the Nintendo and Sony briefings. Oh wait, one more suprise trailer! Except Microsoft made all the media people film it from a super zoomed out view of the whole theater so I can't tell for the life of me whats really going on. But its Final Fantasy XIII, so I guess that makes it ok. Yes, thats right, FFXIII has been announced, and its gonna come out on the 360 too this time. I guess the PS3 really is sucking if they lost exclusivity on yet another title.
Final notes: Somewhat impressive, a few cool tidbits. But their main speaker...well, he SUCKED. Most scripted thing I've ever heard.. wow. RE5 wins, Fable 2 wins, Portal wins, Rock Band 2 wins. Netflix Fails, Gutar Hero: World Tour fails, Lips fails, and..well...the new Xbox menu is horrible. Mega fail.
Fallout 3-
Looks pretty cool. Like the storyline and humor. But..uh..wait. You can pause the action, decide where you want the enemy to get hit, and watch the cutscene of the guy getting shot..? Wheres the skill?! I don't understand..
Resident Evil 5-
This game is looking great. Love the graphics, and online 2 player Coop? Amazing addition if you ask me. We got a release date too, March 13th 2009. Its a friday. Very clever guys, release the evil zombie game on friday the 13th.
Fable 2-
Another great game if you ask me. Beautiful graphics, an intriguing teaser. And semi MMO qualities. Your friends appear as orbs, and you can invite them into your world? I like. 10 points for Fable 2.
Gears of War 2-
What everyone expected I guess. Most of what was seen they've already slipped on, so nothing super great. Release date of November 17th this year. I'm not too thrilled, but I suppose I can see why some are.
Microsoft NPD data- Look! Xbox 360 is winning by a lil bit in sales! Of course..this is North American sales..and the other two companies are Japanese companies..but we arent gonna include their data. That would make it obvious how bad we're actually doing compared to the Wii.
Xbox Menu Update-
Fail. Mega fail. Lets screw over our excellent overlay interface by changing it to a horrible attempt at impersonating the Wii! While we're at it, lets jack Miis and..well..try to be more like Nintendo. Wii=games for everyone. Xbox=games for gamers who like fps shooty gore. GET IT RIGHT! Sorry Xbox 360 owners, your convenient easy to use menus are gonna get discarded for a clunky annoying interface this fall. Sorry!
Xbox Arcade Games- Im sorry guys, but you're putting WAY too much emphasis on 10 dollar rehashes of arcade games. Im sure they're cool and all, but we aren't as excited as you are about this stuff. With the exception of..
Portal: Still Alive-
New portal levels for Xbox owners?? Nothing is not great about this.. Of course, they kinda made it seem as if its a Xbox exclusive but I have my doubts thats gonna happen. Last I checked, Valve loves PC owners. MASSIVE Team Fortress 2 updates were given only to the PC crowd, so I think we'll all get our hands on these new portal levels somehow.
Netflix-
Alright, its kinda cool how you can rent movies off your xbox. But wait.. can't we do that on tv already with on demand? Wait.. is this really that much better then actual Netflix? Maybe..but probably not. And you and your friends can watch a movie you rent from your own homes on your own xboxes with the "brilliant" new party interface..Wow you guys are losers. Like, seriously! Can you really not afford the gas money to convene at one persons house and actually reassure yourself you have friends? No further comment.
Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts-
Looks beautiful, like genuinely fun gameplay and such. Not sure about the focus on vehicle building, doesnt really have a place in the BK universe but I suppose thats ok. One problem. Does the Xbox 360 really have an audience for this kinda game? Like..honestly. I know Microsoft wanted to get Rare away from Nintendo but..Microsoft attracts the wrong kind of audience for this sort of game. Not sure how well its honestly gonna do. Semi-fail.
Viva Pinata 2-
Like the first, but with a 2 in the title.
You're in the Movies-
Looks incredibly lame. Maybe about as much fun as..I don't know, tic tac toe? Noones gonna buy this..
Guitar Hero: World Tour-
Oh great, another guitar hero. Its like the rest but..oh wait, we ripped off the Rock Band drum set. Wow guys...wow. Thats old news by the way, so what are you doing at E3 again? Telling us how this game lets you make and share music "for the first time". Even though Jam with the Band did it in Japan already..and hundreds of online applications already have done it..epic fail. Learn your facts before you speak, good sir. Oh, wait, I almost forgot. More overpriced downloadable songs. Woohoo! I love paying out the butt for songs! Apparently saying you can download Metallica makes it all better.. I don't see the appeal personally.
Lips-
Like Karaoke Revolution for the PS2, but..wait..no, its like Karaoke Revolution. Its cool that you can plug your Zune in (Yep, pretty sure you need a Zune) and sing along to your own music, but not sure you really need a game to do that. You know, this would be better if combined with Guitar Hero World Tour! Wait..then it would be Rock Band. Seeing a trend here? Also, please get Duffy off the screen. She's disgusting me, and I don't really care if she can sing her own song on Lips.. Its obvious that this is less of a game demo and more of a fan service.
Rock Band 2-
There we go! Finally something we care about! And it comes out in September on the 360, looks like the other systems are getting released later. Wonder how much Microsoft had to pay for that. A bit too early in my opinion, they could have waited a year or so. 84 songs, all original recordings..Its like Guitar Hero but you don't have to pay for half of them! Don't you love when games make sense? A few great songs included, never before seen in a music game. You know..why does guitar hero still exist? Its kinda failing in comparison. Heck, RB2 got Metallica too..so why is GHWT bragging about it..? You have to pay extra to download Metallica for GH too O.o. In RB2 you can import ALL the downloaded and included songs from Rock Band 1, meaning no disc swapping and a reason to buy the sequal. Wow..they're really being smart about this. Over 500 total songs available by the end of this year? Bravo Rockband, bravo.
Square Enix-
I can't understand a word this man is saying. I know he's the president of SE and all, but they couldn't get a translator like they did with the RE5 guy? Looks like 3 SE games are being announced. None of them are particularly exciting, as they don't have "Final Fantasy" OR "Kingdom Hearts" in the titles. We got Star Ocean, The Last Remnant, and..er..something else. The teaser for The Last Remnant looked pretty cool, but kinda like every other rpg ever made. Nothing too incredible. Its coming out on the PC though, which is odd for SE. We'd better see some Kingdom hearts from you guys tomorrow, with the Nintendo and Sony briefings. Oh wait, one more suprise trailer! Except Microsoft made all the media people film it from a super zoomed out view of the whole theater so I can't tell for the life of me whats really going on. But its Final Fantasy XIII, so I guess that makes it ok. Yes, thats right, FFXIII has been announced, and its gonna come out on the 360 too this time. I guess the PS3 really is sucking if they lost exclusivity on yet another title.
Final notes: Somewhat impressive, a few cool tidbits. But their main speaker...well, he SUCKED. Most scripted thing I've ever heard.. wow. RE5 wins, Fable 2 wins, Portal wins, Rock Band 2 wins. Netflix Fails, Gutar Hero: World Tour fails, Lips fails, and..well...the new Xbox menu is horrible. Mega fail.
July 9, 2008
The Frustration of Rejection
Before I even start, I'm going to throw out there that I'm subconsciously afraid of rejection. I like to be liked, and I like to be accepted. I know I don't change myself to be liked or any of that, but rejection is probably the most painful feeling for me.
I got a letter tonight. From the Maryland State Senate..I applied for a scholarship there. The first paragraph was about how great my academic achievements were. It was congratulating me..It used that word. Congratulations. I smiled a little bit. Read down to paragraph two. There I read the words..unfortunately we are unable to offer you money. Of course.. thank you VERY freaking much. Why do they patronize me? Why do they do this. Its ALWAYS like this. We're going to tell you how smart you are, then tell you that you arent good enough, then give you some statistics to make you feel even more like crap. 550 students applied, only 20% got it. What do you mean ONLY 20%?! Top 5% of my class, top 2% PSAT scores in the ENTIRE nation, and top 15% SAT score in the ENTIRE nation..but Im not top 20% for this freakin scholarship. Why couldnt they just be straightforward. You failed, good try, sorry. Don't patronize me, don't act like Im some idiot you need to make feel better by softening the rejection.
3 scholarships. 3 freakin scholarships have rejected me now. I take 9 AP classes in high school, my high school average gpa is ABOVE 4.0, I have been as straight edge as it gets my entire freaking life and spent hours and hours of community service at my church, and what do I get for it? "You're smart! Congratulations! But sorry, you don't get any money. Just this standardized rejection letter we threw your name on and printed out." I didn't even get any scholarship money from UMD..Heck, I didnt even get into their honors program.
Its frustrating, Isn't it? I spend 13 years putting forth my best freaking effort, trying as HARD as I could to get some scholarship money, to get something tangible, some physical reward for my efforts beyond a stupid paper certificate congratulating my now worthless accomplishments.
People tell me I'm capable, I'll do well in life, I'll get places, I'll be able to realize my dreams. Yeah right, they also told me I had a shot at a full ride..
I got a letter tonight. From the Maryland State Senate..I applied for a scholarship there. The first paragraph was about how great my academic achievements were. It was congratulating me..It used that word. Congratulations. I smiled a little bit. Read down to paragraph two. There I read the words..unfortunately we are unable to offer you money. Of course.. thank you VERY freaking much. Why do they patronize me? Why do they do this. Its ALWAYS like this. We're going to tell you how smart you are, then tell you that you arent good enough, then give you some statistics to make you feel even more like crap. 550 students applied, only 20% got it. What do you mean ONLY 20%?! Top 5% of my class, top 2% PSAT scores in the ENTIRE nation, and top 15% SAT score in the ENTIRE nation..but Im not top 20% for this freakin scholarship. Why couldnt they just be straightforward. You failed, good try, sorry. Don't patronize me, don't act like Im some idiot you need to make feel better by softening the rejection.
3 scholarships. 3 freakin scholarships have rejected me now. I take 9 AP classes in high school, my high school average gpa is ABOVE 4.0, I have been as straight edge as it gets my entire freaking life and spent hours and hours of community service at my church, and what do I get for it? "You're smart! Congratulations! But sorry, you don't get any money. Just this standardized rejection letter we threw your name on and printed out." I didn't even get any scholarship money from UMD..Heck, I didnt even get into their honors program.
Its frustrating, Isn't it? I spend 13 years putting forth my best freaking effort, trying as HARD as I could to get some scholarship money, to get something tangible, some physical reward for my efforts beyond a stupid paper certificate congratulating my now worthless accomplishments.
People tell me I'm capable, I'll do well in life, I'll get places, I'll be able to realize my dreams. Yeah right, they also told me I had a shot at a full ride..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)