I haven't written much recently. What has it been, almost a year? Life has been moving so fast in every direction, even I don't have words for it. So let's talk about this year.
Rewind to New Years day. I spent it at the beach with some great friends and probably drank too much, but I very distinctly remember saying one thing: 2012 will be a year of adventures. I don't really know where that came from, or how I knew, but we're almost halfway through it and I've already been so many places I never imagined I'd be. Some great news, some terrible news, and a whole lot of not staying in the same place for very long.
When I wrote Flux (the post before this one), I was sort of at a breaking point. The crest of the wave. I knew where I wanted to go but no idea how to get there. All I could hope for was something amazing. Now I'm an intern working 40 hours a week making video games. I decided I wanted to go into games almost exactly a year ago, and now I'm doing it. And I'm in love with the industry. I suppose I'll explain how that happened.
Marty came up to me last December with a crazy idea. Let's make a game together. I had absolutely no idea how to do that, but for some reason I agreed. Crappy android programs turned into a prototype turned into a complete first world, which has netted over 10,000 downloads by some miracle. Being free definitely helps, but I'm still incredibly proud of that. Unfortunately I've lost a lot of momentum on that project, but here's hoping it's temporary. I convinced myself I could make a game, and I had something to show others.
Next, Emily convinced me to go to Game Developer's Conference in the middle of the freaking semester, and that turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made. Surrounding yourself with people who are passionate about the same things you are.. words don't quite describe what that can do for you. Whatever your passion may be, surround yourself with like-minded people and the amount of inspiration you receive will be incredible. Come to think of it, I really don't spend enough time telling those two how much I appreciate them. None of this would be happening without them.
After all of that, a little game called Fez came out. It looked amazing, so I bought and played it. A few of the puzzles were so intricate and difficult, the internet as a whole came together to compare notes and try to crack them.. when we weren't busy collectively begging a few people with insider information for a hint or two. In beseeching assistance from those blessed with knowledge from the gamedev gods, I accidentally met Trey, the coordinator for the International Game Developer's Association chapter in DC. Oops. Now this is where it all comes together.. so try to keep up with the acronyms. I had joined IGDA at GDC, had a game on my resume thanks to the project I worked on with Marty, and found a lead for an internship after talking to Trey and checking out the IGDA Facebook page. I think that qualifies as sorta incredible.
So here I am, making video games while still being completely and delightfully unclear about where I will be at the end of the year. Working has given me confidence that though there are many things I don't know, I'm surprisingly adept at learning on the spot. There are definitely some areas of my life where I'm really hoping for answers, but at least I found the transience I was looking for.
I'll write more soon, hopefully.
June 13, 2012
September 19, 2011
Flux
I named this post after Bit.Trip. But don't worry! It's pretty relevant.
A lot of my posts on here are pretty depressing. That's not because I'm a sad person, but because I need somewhere to throw all of the sad thoughts so that I don't have to hold on to them and dwell on them. I'm actually a pretty happy person, and this will be a pretty happy post. But let me begin with the one thing I've been struggling with.
It's easier to not know what you want to do than to know and have it constantly called into question.
I've been questioning a lot of things recently. I'm not happy in my major, I don't like my job, and I know I want to make video games but I'm not really sure how to get there from here. It's hard to find the motivation to do much of anything when you can't really tell what direction you're headed. So that's been my struggle recently.
That being said, I've been pretty hopeful recently. Somewhere between playing Bit.Trip and spending more time thinking about things, I'm starting to see the adventure in all of this. Like I said, I'm a happy person. I'm always trying to be happy, even when everything is coming down on me. I think it's better to enjoy the journey than to wait for the catharsis. I'm such a curious person, I love discovery.. it's amazing what that can do if it's pointed in the right direction.
Back to Bit.Trip.. a series of 6 games about Commander Videos journey. The story here is so vague. The characters have names, but no words are spoken. I'd imagine most people wouldn't even feel the gravity of the story that is being told. See, the trick here is to combine the names of the levels with the tempo, mood, etc. of the beat used for that level. The first game's levels are Transition, Decent, and Growth. Each level has heavier beats and a slower and steadier tempo than the last. I think I first described Growth's music as "grinding". It feels like the beginning of a trial, sinking slowly into depression but starting to find meaning in it all. The second game features Discovery, Exploration, and Control. Curiosity kicks in, and things start to unfold like a flower in bloom. The final game in the series, Flux, takes Commander Video home from his journey with Epiphany, Perception, and Catharsis. Do you see what's happening here?
Intentionally or not (I'd like to believe it was), Gaijin Games created a series that captures every emotion experienced in the human journey. These games are incredible because the music works to evoke those feelings. You get to see the whole picture, and you reconsider a lot of things in your own life. It's devilishly hard, but the end is beautiful. Flux is absolutely gorgeous, and the name definitely hit home if you've seen some of the things I've written about transience in the past.
Okay, I just analyzed a video game and attempted to parallel it to my own life. Yes, that is weird. Inspiration comes from the strangest places. I've often compared the way I feel while playing Runner (The 4th game in the series) to the way I felt when I was in love, a comparison that often comes off as a joke but is actually completely serious. But that moment when I played Flux, that moment where I saw the end of the journey and the fulfillment of it all, I found the strength to keep moving forward. I hope that never goes away.
A lot of my posts on here are pretty depressing. That's not because I'm a sad person, but because I need somewhere to throw all of the sad thoughts so that I don't have to hold on to them and dwell on them. I'm actually a pretty happy person, and this will be a pretty happy post. But let me begin with the one thing I've been struggling with.
It's easier to not know what you want to do than to know and have it constantly called into question.
I've been questioning a lot of things recently. I'm not happy in my major, I don't like my job, and I know I want to make video games but I'm not really sure how to get there from here. It's hard to find the motivation to do much of anything when you can't really tell what direction you're headed. So that's been my struggle recently.
That being said, I've been pretty hopeful recently. Somewhere between playing Bit.Trip and spending more time thinking about things, I'm starting to see the adventure in all of this. Like I said, I'm a happy person. I'm always trying to be happy, even when everything is coming down on me. I think it's better to enjoy the journey than to wait for the catharsis. I'm such a curious person, I love discovery.. it's amazing what that can do if it's pointed in the right direction.
Back to Bit.Trip.. a series of 6 games about Commander Videos journey. The story here is so vague. The characters have names, but no words are spoken. I'd imagine most people wouldn't even feel the gravity of the story that is being told. See, the trick here is to combine the names of the levels with the tempo, mood, etc. of the beat used for that level. The first game's levels are Transition, Decent, and Growth. Each level has heavier beats and a slower and steadier tempo than the last. I think I first described Growth's music as "grinding". It feels like the beginning of a trial, sinking slowly into depression but starting to find meaning in it all. The second game features Discovery, Exploration, and Control. Curiosity kicks in, and things start to unfold like a flower in bloom. The final game in the series, Flux, takes Commander Video home from his journey with Epiphany, Perception, and Catharsis. Do you see what's happening here?
Intentionally or not (I'd like to believe it was), Gaijin Games created a series that captures every emotion experienced in the human journey. These games are incredible because the music works to evoke those feelings. You get to see the whole picture, and you reconsider a lot of things in your own life. It's devilishly hard, but the end is beautiful. Flux is absolutely gorgeous, and the name definitely hit home if you've seen some of the things I've written about transience in the past.
Okay, I just analyzed a video game and attempted to parallel it to my own life. Yes, that is weird. Inspiration comes from the strangest places. I've often compared the way I feel while playing Runner (The 4th game in the series) to the way I felt when I was in love, a comparison that often comes off as a joke but is actually completely serious. But that moment when I played Flux, that moment where I saw the end of the journey and the fulfillment of it all, I found the strength to keep moving forward. I hope that never goes away.
September 13, 2011
Direction
Where am I going? I've been wandering for so long.. I'm not even sure I know what I'm looking for.
So much has changed. And yet, I feel the same. I know roughly where I want to go in life, but I still feel like I'm stumbling around waiting for something to happen. Everything is constantly up and down, give and take, an eternal tug-of-war between the demons that haunt me and the ferocity that forces me to keep fighting them. I'm not sure anyone really understands. They treat me so normally, like nothings wrong. I try to warn them. They don't know what they're getting themselves into.
I think I've always sort of seen myself as the lone wanderer. Bearing the world on my shoulders, trudging from place to place doing what needs to be done but never staying for long. Even as a kid, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. Over time, I accepted that..embraced it, even. The absurd thing is that I tried to be normal. I've tried everything these past few months. I'm capable of it, but it feels wrong. Fitting in feels wrong, doing what I want feels wrong. The further down that rabbit hole I go, the less things make sense. This struggle feels like home for me. I feel like I'm accomplishing something here. I just don't really know what.
Have you ever been lonely? Not just physically, but emotionally. Have you ever had thoughts or ideas or experiences that you need to share, but you don't have the right person to share them with? You don't need someone who can listen, you need that person who happens to have exactly the right cognitive infrastructure to feel with you. It comes and goes for me. It seems like the less I try to fit in or chase after selfish desires and the more I accept myself, the lonelier I get. Some sort of unexplainable guilt keeps me from settling, and the "beggars can't be choosers" principle goes out the window. How much longer do I have to do this?
Where are you? I'm so alone..
So much has changed. And yet, I feel the same. I know roughly where I want to go in life, but I still feel like I'm stumbling around waiting for something to happen. Everything is constantly up and down, give and take, an eternal tug-of-war between the demons that haunt me and the ferocity that forces me to keep fighting them. I'm not sure anyone really understands. They treat me so normally, like nothings wrong. I try to warn them. They don't know what they're getting themselves into.
I think I've always sort of seen myself as the lone wanderer. Bearing the world on my shoulders, trudging from place to place doing what needs to be done but never staying for long. Even as a kid, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. Over time, I accepted that..embraced it, even. The absurd thing is that I tried to be normal. I've tried everything these past few months. I'm capable of it, but it feels wrong. Fitting in feels wrong, doing what I want feels wrong. The further down that rabbit hole I go, the less things make sense. This struggle feels like home for me. I feel like I'm accomplishing something here. I just don't really know what.
Have you ever been lonely? Not just physically, but emotionally. Have you ever had thoughts or ideas or experiences that you need to share, but you don't have the right person to share them with? You don't need someone who can listen, you need that person who happens to have exactly the right cognitive infrastructure to feel with you. It comes and goes for me. It seems like the less I try to fit in or chase after selfish desires and the more I accept myself, the lonelier I get. Some sort of unexplainable guilt keeps me from settling, and the "beggars can't be choosers" principle goes out the window. How much longer do I have to do this?
Where are you? I'm so alone..
May 4, 2011
I need inspiration. I'm running out of energy. Maybe I'm just drained from a tough semester at school, but it seems to run deeper than that. Something hasn't been right, and I can't really place my finger on exactly what it is. Be it in dreams or in real life, I keep running into things that aren't supposed to be a part of my life. Things I've moved away from, things that disturb the relative peace I've found. I don't really know what to do.
I'm starting to wonder if everything is really as it appears, or even as it's supposed to be. I don't know which way to step, and the natural instinct that's guided me this far is failing me now. I'm not even sure what decision I need to make. I just feel like it's time for something to change. Who knows what happens next..
I'll write more soon.
I'm starting to wonder if everything is really as it appears, or even as it's supposed to be. I don't know which way to step, and the natural instinct that's guided me this far is failing me now. I'm not even sure what decision I need to make. I just feel like it's time for something to change. Who knows what happens next..
I'll write more soon.
November 14, 2010
Transience
Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.
-Shinichi Suzuki
If I could only impart one fragment of wisdom to everyone who has ever looked up to me or been interested in what I had to say, it would be to embrace transience. The concept that nothing is static, that everything changes, is contrary to human nature because we don't see the world from beyond our own eyes. We're hellbent on holding on to the things we love in life because we see the world in black and white. We know what we want and what we don't want, what is good and what is bad. We're scared of the things we like going away because we can't imagine ourselves changing in such a way that we like something else better.
Growing up, I didn't see the world through the eyes of one boy. It was as if my vision was outside of myself, like I was just an onlooker. Always on the outside looking in. I learned so much in this state. I'd understand both sides of a debate, even when I had an opinion. I'd understand why people did the things that they did. My life was a complex network of cogs and springs, which I watched in amazement. Somewhere in my life, I lost this. Now it's coming back. And honestly, that's exactly what I need.
I think I've finally figured it out. I understand where that insight went, why it left, why it's coming back. I won't assume this is true for everyone, but it's certainly the way I'm wired and I can't possibly be the only one. I went from spectator to participant in this world right as the pieces aligned to form what I considered an ideal life. everything was great, I had what I wanted in life, and I was able to step in to it and live for the moment. This lasted a few years, and it was a happy time. I wasn't happier than I had been before, just a different type of happy. My only regret is that I become overly comfortable, started planning too much.
Now, things aren't the same sort of 'ideal' that they used to be. For a while, I continued to view the world through only my two eyes and thought to myself what might be the most disgusting words of encouragement to ever escape the lips of humanity.."Tomorrow will be better." I thought this was optimism, that if I kept my head up I could stay here, in this mindset, in this phase of life, until the pieces aligned once again. The truth is, real optimism is saying today is good the way it is. This is the life I am in, and I can exist here happily. By abandoning the life I had built and comfortably settled in to in favor of transience, I found the happiness I depended upon all those years ago.
I see the world with greater clarity, and I accept that I am changing along side the world I live in. I don't dwell on my desires, but accept the fact that they will change time and time again until a day comes where the life I dream of and the life I have intersect and I once again can take a moment of respite on this journey.
I find the easiest way to get over myself, to see past my minuscule field of vision, is to help others. The people I care about face trials I have faced, and the lessons I have learned become very valuable. Sometimes it takes a few friends coming to you for advice or comfort to show you how insignificant you and your problems are, even within your own life.
My name is Cody Jerome Albert, and I am one of the strangest people you have ever met. I escape the monochromatic hell that life can become by allowing dissonance to color my world. I have my demons, but I don't let them get me down because I am not the main character of my own life story. I am not lost, because I don't know or care to know where I am going. So talk to me about your life, your struggles, your dreams. Share with me your opinions, your experiences, your feelings. Ask me anything at all. And heck, try something new today.
-Shinichi Suzuki
If I could only impart one fragment of wisdom to everyone who has ever looked up to me or been interested in what I had to say, it would be to embrace transience. The concept that nothing is static, that everything changes, is contrary to human nature because we don't see the world from beyond our own eyes. We're hellbent on holding on to the things we love in life because we see the world in black and white. We know what we want and what we don't want, what is good and what is bad. We're scared of the things we like going away because we can't imagine ourselves changing in such a way that we like something else better.
Growing up, I didn't see the world through the eyes of one boy. It was as if my vision was outside of myself, like I was just an onlooker. Always on the outside looking in. I learned so much in this state. I'd understand both sides of a debate, even when I had an opinion. I'd understand why people did the things that they did. My life was a complex network of cogs and springs, which I watched in amazement. Somewhere in my life, I lost this. Now it's coming back. And honestly, that's exactly what I need.
I think I've finally figured it out. I understand where that insight went, why it left, why it's coming back. I won't assume this is true for everyone, but it's certainly the way I'm wired and I can't possibly be the only one. I went from spectator to participant in this world right as the pieces aligned to form what I considered an ideal life. everything was great, I had what I wanted in life, and I was able to step in to it and live for the moment. This lasted a few years, and it was a happy time. I wasn't happier than I had been before, just a different type of happy. My only regret is that I become overly comfortable, started planning too much.
Now, things aren't the same sort of 'ideal' that they used to be. For a while, I continued to view the world through only my two eyes and thought to myself what might be the most disgusting words of encouragement to ever escape the lips of humanity.."Tomorrow will be better." I thought this was optimism, that if I kept my head up I could stay here, in this mindset, in this phase of life, until the pieces aligned once again. The truth is, real optimism is saying today is good the way it is. This is the life I am in, and I can exist here happily. By abandoning the life I had built and comfortably settled in to in favor of transience, I found the happiness I depended upon all those years ago.
I see the world with greater clarity, and I accept that I am changing along side the world I live in. I don't dwell on my desires, but accept the fact that they will change time and time again until a day comes where the life I dream of and the life I have intersect and I once again can take a moment of respite on this journey.
I find the easiest way to get over myself, to see past my minuscule field of vision, is to help others. The people I care about face trials I have faced, and the lessons I have learned become very valuable. Sometimes it takes a few friends coming to you for advice or comfort to show you how insignificant you and your problems are, even within your own life.
My name is Cody Jerome Albert, and I am one of the strangest people you have ever met. I escape the monochromatic hell that life can become by allowing dissonance to color my world. I have my demons, but I don't let them get me down because I am not the main character of my own life story. I am not lost, because I don't know or care to know where I am going. So talk to me about your life, your struggles, your dreams. Share with me your opinions, your experiences, your feelings. Ask me anything at all. And heck, try something new today.
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