Before I even start, I'm going to throw out there that I'm subconsciously afraid of rejection. I like to be liked, and I like to be accepted. I know I don't change myself to be liked or any of that, but rejection is probably the most painful feeling for me.
I got a letter tonight. From the Maryland State Senate..I applied for a scholarship there. The first paragraph was about how great my academic achievements were. It was congratulating me..It used that word. Congratulations. I smiled a little bit. Read down to paragraph two. There I read the words..unfortunately we are unable to offer you money. Of course.. thank you VERY freaking much. Why do they patronize me? Why do they do this. Its ALWAYS like this. We're going to tell you how smart you are, then tell you that you arent good enough, then give you some statistics to make you feel even more like crap. 550 students applied, only 20% got it. What do you mean ONLY 20%?! Top 5% of my class, top 2% PSAT scores in the ENTIRE nation, and top 15% SAT score in the ENTIRE nation..but Im not top 20% for this freakin scholarship. Why couldnt they just be straightforward. You failed, good try, sorry. Don't patronize me, don't act like Im some idiot you need to make feel better by softening the rejection.
3 scholarships. 3 freakin scholarships have rejected me now. I take 9 AP classes in high school, my high school average gpa is ABOVE 4.0, I have been as straight edge as it gets my entire freaking life and spent hours and hours of community service at my church, and what do I get for it? "You're smart! Congratulations! But sorry, you don't get any money. Just this standardized rejection letter we threw your name on and printed out." I didn't even get any scholarship money from UMD..Heck, I didnt even get into their honors program.
Its frustrating, Isn't it? I spend 13 years putting forth my best freaking effort, trying as HARD as I could to get some scholarship money, to get something tangible, some physical reward for my efforts beyond a stupid paper certificate congratulating my now worthless accomplishments.
People tell me I'm capable, I'll do well in life, I'll get places, I'll be able to realize my dreams. Yeah right, they also told me I had a shot at a full ride..