July 9, 2008

The Frustration of Rejection

Before I even start, I'm going to throw out there that I'm subconsciously afraid of rejection. I like to be liked, and I like to be accepted. I know I don't change myself to be liked or any of that, but rejection is probably the most painful feeling for me.

I got a letter tonight. From the Maryland State Senate..I applied for a scholarship there. The first paragraph was about how great my academic achievements were. It was congratulating me..It used that word. Congratulations. I smiled a little bit. Read down to paragraph two. There I read the words..unfortunately we are unable to offer you money. Of course.. thank you VERY freaking much. Why do they patronize me? Why do they do this. Its ALWAYS like this. We're going to tell you how smart you are, then tell you that you arent good enough, then give you some statistics to make you feel even more like crap. 550 students applied, only 20% got it. What do you mean ONLY 20%?! Top 5% of my class, top 2% PSAT scores in the ENTIRE nation, and top 15% SAT score in the ENTIRE nation..but Im not top 20% for this freakin scholarship. Why couldnt they just be straightforward. You failed, good try, sorry. Don't patronize me, don't act like Im some idiot you need to make feel better by softening the rejection.

3 scholarships. 3 freakin scholarships have rejected me now. I take 9 AP classes in high school, my high school average gpa is ABOVE 4.0, I have been as straight edge as it gets my entire freaking life and spent hours and hours of community service at my church, and what do I get for it? "You're smart! Congratulations! But sorry, you don't get any money. Just this standardized rejection letter we threw your name on and printed out." I didn't even get any scholarship money from UMD..Heck, I didnt even get into their honors program.

Its frustrating, Isn't it? I spend 13 years putting forth my best freaking effort, trying as HARD as I could to get some scholarship money, to get something tangible, some physical reward for my efforts beyond a stupid paper certificate congratulating my now worthless accomplishments.

People tell me I'm capable, I'll do well in life, I'll get places, I'll be able to realize my dreams. Yeah right, they also told me I had a shot at a full ride..

3 comments:

Brad said...

please understand that you not getting a scholarship has nothing to do with you, its actually me that is causing them not to give it to you.
Our household income is above a certain level and that weighs heavily on how they hand out money. They look at household income, it has nothing to do with "someone might be more deserving", its more related to "someone may have more of a need" You are beyond deserving and if our household income was 50k, I think you would have gotten a full ride.
It also has to do with the program you got in to. Its very difficult to get in to it, so why should they let you in and give you money. Scholarships serve 2 purposes, 1. to entice smart people in to raise the academic level of their school and second to allow people in that could not do so otherwise. The first one does not count because you got in to a program that people are already chomping at the bit to get in to, and they know we can afford to send you there.

Its OK to be frustrated just don't let it eat at you for too long, you are going to do great at UMD, I am counting on you to get rich and buy me cool stuff
like maybe an X-Star!
and a helicopter would be cool

Josef M said...

Brad's right but don't worry. Keep it up first semester of freshman year and there are more that you can apply to and some actually consider you w/o the income of your parents. Federal scholarships sort of have a hand tied behind their backs when it comes to offering money.

Plus: UMD isn't getting any richer. It's getting more and more crowded. They've even started trying to get rid of programs behind our backs... but that's a story for another time :)

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