March 24, 2010

One Year, Five Months, Twenty-One Days

That's how long it has been since I have written on this blog. That's how long it's been since I've written much of anything outside of an essay or two. And I'm starting to wonder if writing was the only thing that kept me sane. I'm having trouble keeping my thoughts straight, so hopefully getting them out will help once again as it used to. And to be perfectly honest, I could really use some advice. So here we go..this might be a long one.

We'll start with the good. I'm almost done with my second year of college, and I haven't yet gotten kicked out. I can now program, and I'm pretty good at it. Some great video games have come out, I have become the leader of my guild in World of Warcraft (laugh all you want), and Kaitlyn isn't going anywhere any time soon.

Now for the rest. Schools a big stress factor in my life right now. Half way through, I'm starting to realize that I don't like it. I like what I'm learning, but the stress I'm putting on myself with 15 credits and 20 hours at work a week keeps me pretty uptight. This semester has been particularly bad, for some reason. Some might call it depression. I've already had to add an extra semester to my school plans, and my grades are hardly noteworthy.

On that note.. I've failed two classes. Gotten two C's. The rest are B's.

I need to know it gets better from here, and I've heard people say it does, but I've heard people say it gets worse too. I've thought about changing to a Computer Science major, but my self esteem has hit an all time low as it is. Compromising on my choice of major and throwing away a ton of the effort I put in for 7 solid years leading up to college would be incredibly disappointing. Yet, part of me just wants to accept that school will suck, go with the easier major, get done and get on with my life. I am very envious of people who love college, and I don't know why I'm so stressed all the time and they aren't. In some of my classes, I can't figure out why everyone seems to know what's going on and how to solve the problems except me. And I can't shake the fact that having to retake Calculus 1 and 2 gives me a pretty low chance to graduate, based on the statistics.

On that note, I may as well mention the second big punch to the face, and huge blow to my self esteem, that I took in the last year and a half.

Friends. Or rather, my lack thereof recently. I'll have to leave out many of the details- just because I'll spill everything I'm thinking doesn't mean I can talk about other people. However, lets just say I can count my close friends on one hand now. Betrayal, self-righteousness, apathy.. practically something different for each friend I've lost. I'm pretty confident that I haven't changed, so I can't help but wonder if they changed or if some of them were only my friends until I needed them to stand up for me. And after that whole mess, I really don't have anyone who is in a position to stand up for me. I tell myself it doesn't bug me anymore, that I'm over it. But it keeps me from sleeping at least once a week.

So I'm stressed. I need help. I need advice. I need time. I've thought of everything. I've considered quitting my job, but watching my bank account drain as fast as it would can only create more stress. I've thought about cutting back on video games, or quitting WoW, but that game is perhaps the only thing other then Kaitlyn that is keeping me sane. I'll be honest, the only things that consistently make me happy are hanging out with friends and raiding.

I mentioned being a guild leader, and I doubt most people know what that means. It's essentially a group of players that get to know each other, talk, and group up for either 10 man or 25 man dungeons. We have over 100 members, and a Facebook group with 45 people in it ranging from 15 to 60ish. And I, along with 7 officers, keep everything afloat. And I don't want to get cocky, but its the only thing I do where I honestly feel like I'm not half bad at it. They respect me (despite being mostly older then me), and I can get some very good advice from them. We have at least 3 people who were Computer Engineer Majors, some who made it through and some who switched to other things. And lets be honest.. it feels good to stab dragons. Those people make me proud, and I can't convince myself that stepping back from that would be good for me.

Well, I think that's all I really have to say for now. But I need advice. Do I stay with my major? Am I making some huge mistake in life that I'll end up regretting? Are my priorities out of order? I can't tell anymore.. I find myself just trying to make it to the next week.