March 24, 2010

One Year, Five Months, Twenty-One Days

That's how long it has been since I have written on this blog. That's how long it's been since I've written much of anything outside of an essay or two. And I'm starting to wonder if writing was the only thing that kept me sane. I'm having trouble keeping my thoughts straight, so hopefully getting them out will help once again as it used to. And to be perfectly honest, I could really use some advice. So here we go..this might be a long one.

We'll start with the good. I'm almost done with my second year of college, and I haven't yet gotten kicked out. I can now program, and I'm pretty good at it. Some great video games have come out, I have become the leader of my guild in World of Warcraft (laugh all you want), and Kaitlyn isn't going anywhere any time soon.

Now for the rest. Schools a big stress factor in my life right now. Half way through, I'm starting to realize that I don't like it. I like what I'm learning, but the stress I'm putting on myself with 15 credits and 20 hours at work a week keeps me pretty uptight. This semester has been particularly bad, for some reason. Some might call it depression. I've already had to add an extra semester to my school plans, and my grades are hardly noteworthy.

On that note.. I've failed two classes. Gotten two C's. The rest are B's.

I need to know it gets better from here, and I've heard people say it does, but I've heard people say it gets worse too. I've thought about changing to a Computer Science major, but my self esteem has hit an all time low as it is. Compromising on my choice of major and throwing away a ton of the effort I put in for 7 solid years leading up to college would be incredibly disappointing. Yet, part of me just wants to accept that school will suck, go with the easier major, get done and get on with my life. I am very envious of people who love college, and I don't know why I'm so stressed all the time and they aren't. In some of my classes, I can't figure out why everyone seems to know what's going on and how to solve the problems except me. And I can't shake the fact that having to retake Calculus 1 and 2 gives me a pretty low chance to graduate, based on the statistics.

On that note, I may as well mention the second big punch to the face, and huge blow to my self esteem, that I took in the last year and a half.

Friends. Or rather, my lack thereof recently. I'll have to leave out many of the details- just because I'll spill everything I'm thinking doesn't mean I can talk about other people. However, lets just say I can count my close friends on one hand now. Betrayal, self-righteousness, apathy.. practically something different for each friend I've lost. I'm pretty confident that I haven't changed, so I can't help but wonder if they changed or if some of them were only my friends until I needed them to stand up for me. And after that whole mess, I really don't have anyone who is in a position to stand up for me. I tell myself it doesn't bug me anymore, that I'm over it. But it keeps me from sleeping at least once a week.

So I'm stressed. I need help. I need advice. I need time. I've thought of everything. I've considered quitting my job, but watching my bank account drain as fast as it would can only create more stress. I've thought about cutting back on video games, or quitting WoW, but that game is perhaps the only thing other then Kaitlyn that is keeping me sane. I'll be honest, the only things that consistently make me happy are hanging out with friends and raiding.

I mentioned being a guild leader, and I doubt most people know what that means. It's essentially a group of players that get to know each other, talk, and group up for either 10 man or 25 man dungeons. We have over 100 members, and a Facebook group with 45 people in it ranging from 15 to 60ish. And I, along with 7 officers, keep everything afloat. And I don't want to get cocky, but its the only thing I do where I honestly feel like I'm not half bad at it. They respect me (despite being mostly older then me), and I can get some very good advice from them. We have at least 3 people who were Computer Engineer Majors, some who made it through and some who switched to other things. And lets be honest.. it feels good to stab dragons. Those people make me proud, and I can't convince myself that stepping back from that would be good for me.

Well, I think that's all I really have to say for now. But I need advice. Do I stay with my major? Am I making some huge mistake in life that I'll end up regretting? Are my priorities out of order? I can't tell anymore.. I find myself just trying to make it to the next week.


Anonymous said...

I can't help but think that if you're not loving what you're doing in school, you should find something you do love. That being said, you're really good at programming. You may sometimes go insane trying to figure out what the heck is wrong but in the end, you always seem to solve the problem. You understand it, and you even seem to enjoy it. Except when you have to make Mandelbrots.

Computer Engineering holds more prestige as a major but if you don't like it, well.. you don't like it. Is it worth the pride, I guess is what I'm trying to say.

I'm sorry if me liking school has made you jealous in any way. You know its all I want for you.
As for your friends, they were in your life for a reason and now they're out of your life for a reason. Maybe you should take this as a fresh start.

Don't quit WoW.

... Oh and keep your job. =)

Kaitlyn said...

Btw, that's Kaitlyn ^^^

Not sure why it didn't use my name... >.>

Marty Walker said...

I once overheard my dad giving someone the advice that a decision to leave is only a good one if you're running TO something rather than AWAY from something. As I read this and try to think of something useful to say, that's all that pops up. I would agree with Kaitlyn if it weren't for this part:

" I like what I'm learning, but the stress I'm putting on myself with 15 credits and 20 hours at work a week keeps me pretty uptight."

If you love Engineering and the only thing that's keeping you down is the amount of work, then stick with it. In the end when you overcome this, the feeling of accomplishment is like nothing else.

----feel free to skip this part if you want--------

A similar thing happened when I took my Character design and sculpture classes. They're the first real Animation class you take in my school and are kind of an introduction to the MAA workload. Sculpture in particular has nothing but horror stories and negativity attached to it. At the beginning of all of these classez the only thing that went through my head was:

"Wait...I don't know if I can do that...what have I gotten myself into...I have to write a 22 page script? I don't know..."

Those thoughts were sort of in the back of my mind throughout the class, sometimes acting as a discouragement. But once the class was over, and I found I had passed it was a really surreal moment. It was like, "10 weeks ago I thought I couldn't do this, and I was terrified...but now I've done it..." ...I dunno...

I'm not sure at all how applicable that is, but it's the only experience I've got, so bear with me.

--------end skip zone------------

What I did that has saved my life as I enter seniority that I might recommend is lowering the amount of credits you're taking. I'm assuming 15 credits is 4 classes. Take 3. It'll extend your stay, but it will also allow you to focus more on each class, thus allowing you to get more out of them. It's better to graduate having learned all you could, than to graduate by just scraping by with C's.

However, if you love programming, and that has more to do with Computer Science, then go with that.

As far as the friends thing goes, I can relate. I haven't had any falling outs with mine (as you implied you did...), but they do all seem to disappear sometimes. I find that I have a lot of close friends that I'm only around because we're sort of forced into it (Like friends at school, friends at work, friends at church) but once that situation goes, so does the friendship it seems. I graduate, and all my school friends disappear, I stop going to that church, all of my church friends disappear. It's mostly my fault. I find that I'm just not good in more social situations. Which brings me to my point: I don't know if I'm one of those friends you mentioned, but I still consider you one of my best friends, even though we never talk anymore. Even when we hang out I don't know if we talk much, but I think that's mostly my fault. I'm not very goos with small talk. If you ever need someone to talk to, though, don't hesitate to call.

Not that I'm your first choice...but you know...if Kaitlyn's busy....

Anyway...that might have been helpful...

in conclusion:
-think about why you chose the major you did. If all of those reasons hold true then stick with it. I'm assuming one of those reasons wasn't that it would be easy.
-I'm still your friend...I mean...unless you hate me now...but if that were true you wouldn't still be reading this....


Janelle said...

I think that what you're going through sucks big time, but happens to a lot of people during the college years. Most people struggle with the "am i going to be miserable being stuck in this major for the rest of my life" issue and sometimes you live never knowing if it was right or not.

Marty is's okay if you don't graduate in 4 years, graduating happy and feeling proud of yourself is more important than the timeline. I know you're a timeline-kind of person, but a happy Cody is a more productive Cody!

and with the friends... It's amazing how people change in the 5 years after high school, and it's really...really hard. BUT, as I have learned...not spending so much time with the people who never really had your back in the first place takes a lot of drama out of your life. I could go on forever about friends and relationships going crazy- seriously. It's been difficult, and there's no right answers, but when you look back you will see that all of those people who were jerks and nasty people weren't worth your friendship in the first place, but were using you as much as they could.

I know you wouldn't come to me for much, but know that I do love you very much and we are here if you ever need anything and will support you in whatever you do. And Sean loves you too :)

And we're putting the boat in the water in a week and a half. tell me that doesn't make you smile :)

Dad said...

You have some amazing comments from some amazing friends and family that love you very much. While I know it's important to plan ahead and be sure you are doing what you want to be doing right now, it's also good every now and then to step back from it all and look at where you are right now, and what you have achieved. It's pretty impressive and I must say looking like a great future, regardless. You have a wonderful girl (who is not included in the "regardless" comment, you have to keep her")
you have a family that loves you. Regardless of what a grades are, you are brilliant and one thing that will push you to the top, is that you have a great work ethic and ability to figure things out. We've all seen it, and yes, I get the whole WoW thing. I see how much more than a game that it is. Dare I say it's could even be building management skills.

Friend wise. well.... if you are like me and you are, I always put way to much weight into friendship and all to often there is a shortage of my expectations. Even the closets of friends seem to come and go, and sometimes just go. That's just life. I'm sure you can recall some rather close friends of mine that one day poof, they were out of our lives. Does it hurt? yea. But we gotta move one.

This is where God comes in. Leaning on him is key. Going to Him often for choices and decisions. Being in the word and involved with fellowship. Keep your eyes on Him Cody.

Summer is coming, we are going to have an awesome one! You will have it off from school. Don't be to pressed on figuring this all out before you absolutely have to. Some things have a way of working themselves out. If you hand it over to God, be careful not to take it back ;)