June 19, 2010

Confessions and Dreams

I have become aware of something. Something very important, very personal. And I think I have some confessions to make.

I've been selfish. For two reasons.

First reason- My dream. My lifelong aspiration. For years, years, it has been my goal in life to be wise. Like, really wise. More than money, more than fame, I wanted wisdom. And great as it sounds and all, it's selfish. Guess what, I know the end of the story. I die, and whatever was in my brain isn't anymore. It's all so fragile. We can't excavate the knowledge left from someone passed away..all that data is instantly wiped. So I have a new dream. One that's similar, but different too. I'll talk about it later.

Second reason- I loved my life. I had a great life, a perfect life even. I couldn't have possibly asked for more. In fact, things were so nice that I never felt like stepping outside of my life. I lost some perspective, stopped seeing things from the outside, became comfortable. Friends struggled, and I did not mourn with them. Others grew away from me, and I did not pursue them. I lose some friends, and I didn't really care. Because I didn't really need them. It took turmoil to wake me up. Only after I no longer had that perfect life did I look outside of it, and start to realize how much I needed others. Now when the people I care about face trials, I am sad with them. I share that burden, because they were there to share my burden. My life is far from what I want it to be, and that's a good thing.

That being said, I apologize to everyone. To my friends, whom I wasn't really there for because I thought "being there" meant giving them someone to come to, not being someone who goes to them when they are in need. I apologize to my former friends, because..well whoever is to blame for the end of the relationship, I have no doubt in my mind that I didn't do my part to save it. I haven't a clue what happens from here, but at the very least I promise to you that no matter what our relationship is, I'm willing to talk.

So, back to dreams. After 5 or 6 years, I have a new dream. A new goal in life.

I want to change lives.

Dreadfully cliche, no? I guess I should be more specific. I still want to be wise, but not so I can sit around and revel in my wisdom. I want to make people think differently. I want them to reconsider their lives, reconsider their choices, reconsider the way they think..anything, so long as it is a catalyst for change. Catalyst is a good word for it. I don't need credit, I don't even want credit. I just want to start something. Because when I die, that will continue. And I'm saddened by the shortsightedness of my generation.

I don't really know what this looks like, to be perfectly honest, and I expect it to change through my life. For now, maybe my writing is the best way for me to change people. In the future, maybe my audible words will have the same weight. Maybe just the way I choose to live my life will affect people. I have no idea. But whatever it may be, I want to know that I made a difference, that I contributed to something greater than myself. I never even imagined that I had been living for myself, but I think I see that now. I think many people my age live for themselves. And if Wikipedia taught us anything, its that collective intelligence is a powerful thing. In other words, its impossible to see the truth without reaching outside of your own life, sharing with others, discovering things. No matter how hard I think, I'll be wrong about things until I hear someone else's view on it.

My life is open now. I hope yours is too. Then, maybe we'll be able to accomplish something great.


Anonymous said...

You ever think maybe you just need to not be so self centered?

Cody said...

That's exactly what I think. "In fact, things were so nice that I never felt like stepping outside of my life." I'm done living for myself.

Anonymous said...

Self centered? one of the many things that have really changed in you the past few weeks. You have really stepped out of your comfort zone and grown.

Keely said...

Cody, I'll start by saying that I don't know you. I've known of you, seen you around throughout the years, but I won't pretend like I know what progress you've made in life.

This entry speaks volumes about who you are now and who you are becoming. Obviously some things have happened to instigate this change, and words cannot describe how encouraging it is to read your insights. Especially such thought-through, well-spoken insights! God offered Solomon anything and he asked for wisdom--may God bless you with the same gift so you can fulfill this dream and glorify the Lord with your life.

Janelle said...

I am so proud of you. being around you over the past few weeks has been so neat to see how you have grown and are growing. I believe you can change lives, and I would love to be a part of helping you do so.

Maybe I need you to help me with the My Dream project... haha!!

Love you much, and we will always be supportive of your dreams & growth. You have faced some hard realizations about yourself and I'm excited to see where you go from here! I am proud to call you my brother!