Where am I going? I've been wandering for so long.. I'm not even sure I know what I'm looking for.
So much has changed. And yet, I feel the same. I know roughly where I want to go in life, but I still feel like I'm stumbling around waiting for something to happen. Everything is constantly up and down, give and take, an eternal tug-of-war between the demons that haunt me and the ferocity that forces me to keep fighting them. I'm not sure anyone really understands. They treat me so normally, like nothings wrong. I try to warn them. They don't know what they're getting themselves into.
I think I've always sort of seen myself as the lone wanderer. Bearing the world on my shoulders, trudging from place to place doing what needs to be done but never staying for long. Even as a kid, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. Over time, I accepted that..embraced it, even. The absurd thing is that I tried to be normal. I've tried everything these past few months. I'm capable of it, but it feels wrong. Fitting in feels wrong, doing what I want feels wrong. The further down that rabbit hole I go, the less things make sense. This struggle feels like home for me. I feel like I'm accomplishing something here. I just don't really know what.
Have you ever been lonely? Not just physically, but emotionally. Have you ever had thoughts or ideas or experiences that you need to share, but you don't have the right person to share them with? You don't need someone who can listen, you need that person who happens to have exactly the right cognitive infrastructure to feel with you. It comes and goes for me. It seems like the less I try to fit in or chase after selfish desires and the more I accept myself, the lonelier I get. Some sort of unexplainable guilt keeps me from settling, and the "beggars can't be choosers" principle goes out the window. How much longer do I have to do this?
Where are you? I'm so alone..
September 13, 2011
May 4, 2011
I need inspiration. I'm running out of energy. Maybe I'm just drained from a tough semester at school, but it seems to run deeper than that. Something hasn't been right, and I can't really place my finger on exactly what it is. Be it in dreams or in real life, I keep running into things that aren't supposed to be a part of my life. Things I've moved away from, things that disturb the relative peace I've found. I don't really know what to do.
I'm starting to wonder if everything is really as it appears, or even as it's supposed to be. I don't know which way to step, and the natural instinct that's guided me this far is failing me now. I'm not even sure what decision I need to make. I just feel like it's time for something to change. Who knows what happens next..
I'll write more soon.
I'm starting to wonder if everything is really as it appears, or even as it's supposed to be. I don't know which way to step, and the natural instinct that's guided me this far is failing me now. I'm not even sure what decision I need to make. I just feel like it's time for something to change. Who knows what happens next..
I'll write more soon.
November 14, 2010
Transience
Without accepting the fact that everything changes, we cannot find perfect composure. But unfortunately, although it is true, it is difficult for us to accept it. Because we cannot accept the truth of transience, we suffer.
-Shinichi Suzuki
If I could only impart one fragment of wisdom to everyone who has ever looked up to me or been interested in what I had to say, it would be to embrace transience. The concept that nothing is static, that everything changes, is contrary to human nature because we don't see the world from beyond our own eyes. We're hellbent on holding on to the things we love in life because we see the world in black and white. We know what we want and what we don't want, what is good and what is bad. We're scared of the things we like going away because we can't imagine ourselves changing in such a way that we like something else better.
Growing up, I didn't see the world through the eyes of one boy. It was as if my vision was outside of myself, like I was just an onlooker. Always on the outside looking in. I learned so much in this state. I'd understand both sides of a debate, even when I had an opinion. I'd understand why people did the things that they did. My life was a complex network of cogs and springs, which I watched in amazement. Somewhere in my life, I lost this. Now it's coming back. And honestly, that's exactly what I need.
I think I've finally figured it out. I understand where that insight went, why it left, why it's coming back. I won't assume this is true for everyone, but it's certainly the way I'm wired and I can't possibly be the only one. I went from spectator to participant in this world right as the pieces aligned to form what I considered an ideal life. everything was great, I had what I wanted in life, and I was able to step in to it and live for the moment. This lasted a few years, and it was a happy time. I wasn't happier than I had been before, just a different type of happy. My only regret is that I become overly comfortable, started planning too much.
Now, things aren't the same sort of 'ideal' that they used to be. For a while, I continued to view the world through only my two eyes and thought to myself what might be the most disgusting words of encouragement to ever escape the lips of humanity.."Tomorrow will be better." I thought this was optimism, that if I kept my head up I could stay here, in this mindset, in this phase of life, until the pieces aligned once again. The truth is, real optimism is saying today is good the way it is. This is the life I am in, and I can exist here happily. By abandoning the life I had built and comfortably settled in to in favor of transience, I found the happiness I depended upon all those years ago.
I see the world with greater clarity, and I accept that I am changing along side the world I live in. I don't dwell on my desires, but accept the fact that they will change time and time again until a day comes where the life I dream of and the life I have intersect and I once again can take a moment of respite on this journey.
I find the easiest way to get over myself, to see past my minuscule field of vision, is to help others. The people I care about face trials I have faced, and the lessons I have learned become very valuable. Sometimes it takes a few friends coming to you for advice or comfort to show you how insignificant you and your problems are, even within your own life.
My name is Cody Jerome Albert, and I am one of the strangest people you have ever met. I escape the monochromatic hell that life can become by allowing dissonance to color my world. I have my demons, but I don't let them get me down because I am not the main character of my own life story. I am not lost, because I don't know or care to know where I am going. So talk to me about your life, your struggles, your dreams. Share with me your opinions, your experiences, your feelings. Ask me anything at all. And heck, try something new today.
-Shinichi Suzuki
If I could only impart one fragment of wisdom to everyone who has ever looked up to me or been interested in what I had to say, it would be to embrace transience. The concept that nothing is static, that everything changes, is contrary to human nature because we don't see the world from beyond our own eyes. We're hellbent on holding on to the things we love in life because we see the world in black and white. We know what we want and what we don't want, what is good and what is bad. We're scared of the things we like going away because we can't imagine ourselves changing in such a way that we like something else better.
Growing up, I didn't see the world through the eyes of one boy. It was as if my vision was outside of myself, like I was just an onlooker. Always on the outside looking in. I learned so much in this state. I'd understand both sides of a debate, even when I had an opinion. I'd understand why people did the things that they did. My life was a complex network of cogs and springs, which I watched in amazement. Somewhere in my life, I lost this. Now it's coming back. And honestly, that's exactly what I need.
I think I've finally figured it out. I understand where that insight went, why it left, why it's coming back. I won't assume this is true for everyone, but it's certainly the way I'm wired and I can't possibly be the only one. I went from spectator to participant in this world right as the pieces aligned to form what I considered an ideal life. everything was great, I had what I wanted in life, and I was able to step in to it and live for the moment. This lasted a few years, and it was a happy time. I wasn't happier than I had been before, just a different type of happy. My only regret is that I become overly comfortable, started planning too much.
Now, things aren't the same sort of 'ideal' that they used to be. For a while, I continued to view the world through only my two eyes and thought to myself what might be the most disgusting words of encouragement to ever escape the lips of humanity.."Tomorrow will be better." I thought this was optimism, that if I kept my head up I could stay here, in this mindset, in this phase of life, until the pieces aligned once again. The truth is, real optimism is saying today is good the way it is. This is the life I am in, and I can exist here happily. By abandoning the life I had built and comfortably settled in to in favor of transience, I found the happiness I depended upon all those years ago.
I see the world with greater clarity, and I accept that I am changing along side the world I live in. I don't dwell on my desires, but accept the fact that they will change time and time again until a day comes where the life I dream of and the life I have intersect and I once again can take a moment of respite on this journey.
I find the easiest way to get over myself, to see past my minuscule field of vision, is to help others. The people I care about face trials I have faced, and the lessons I have learned become very valuable. Sometimes it takes a few friends coming to you for advice or comfort to show you how insignificant you and your problems are, even within your own life.
My name is Cody Jerome Albert, and I am one of the strangest people you have ever met. I escape the monochromatic hell that life can become by allowing dissonance to color my world. I have my demons, but I don't let them get me down because I am not the main character of my own life story. I am not lost, because I don't know or care to know where I am going. So talk to me about your life, your struggles, your dreams. Share with me your opinions, your experiences, your feelings. Ask me anything at all. And heck, try something new today.
August 27, 2010
Introduction
I'm sitting outside of Panera Bread. It's about 70 degrees, there's a gentle breeze, and the sky above Starbucks and Noodles & Company is a nice orangish blue gradient with scattered dark blue clouds off to the right. Color me inspired.
This is about me. It's about the type of person I am, the way I think, and what you're getting yourself in to if you want to be my friend. This is as honest as I can ever be with anyone. I don't even know where to start, so I'll start from the beginning.
Somewhere around middle school, maybe 7th or 8th grade, I started to realize the type of person I was. At the time, I would have explained that I always feel like I'm on the outside of every situation looking in. An observer. Now I see that a more accurate description would be a left-brained idealist. A logical dreamer. A paradox. I think way too much to believe everything will turn out as I picture, but the picture is still very vivid and detailed. Innocent, but not naive. Romantic, but realistic. I promise it's possible.
I'm shy, but not half as shy as I used to be. I still don't talk very much, but that usually means I'm observing. That part of me still has yet to change, and I doubt it ever will. Unfortunately, being quiet makes you unapproachable. Being self conscious makes you hesitant to approach others. That's about where I am right now, and that's what I have to overcome. Because honestly, I'm lonely. When I'm not talking to people I get depressed. As introverted as I was as a kid, I absolutely love talking to people now. Anyone. Everyone. Even people I don't like, I'd gladly have a conversation with.
I'm addicted to dreaming. And when I dream, I dream big. Sometimes I become disconnected from reality until something comes along and brings me back down to the ground. I don't know if it's healthy or not, but it certainly helps me cope. I've always wished I could draw. Sometimes the dreams, the visions, the things my mind creates while it is idle..they're indescribable. If I could draw them, you'd understand.
Long walks on the beach are lame, but long walks between the hours of 2 and 4 AM are incredible. I find myself outside of coffee shops with my laptop or a book increasingly often. I don't take identity in my status as hardcore gamer or wakeboarder, but in the unique way my mind seems to work. I can get along with anyone because I never allow myself to really fit in to one group or another. That's just who I am.
I know this has been all over the place, but it's my best attempt to really define myself. Certain things about the way I think and react are still a mystery even to me. I try to see everything in life from every possible viewpoint, but often I don't even know what my own is. It drives me crazy.
Anyways, I've been open with everyone who reads this. If you've made it this far, introduce yourself to me. Leave a comment, message me (I'm pretty much always on facebook), I don't care. Doesn't matter if we haven't talked in years or if we're best friends. Tell me something I don't know about you, ask me a question, do whatever. I love talking to people.
This is about me. It's about the type of person I am, the way I think, and what you're getting yourself in to if you want to be my friend. This is as honest as I can ever be with anyone. I don't even know where to start, so I'll start from the beginning.
Somewhere around middle school, maybe 7th or 8th grade, I started to realize the type of person I was. At the time, I would have explained that I always feel like I'm on the outside of every situation looking in. An observer. Now I see that a more accurate description would be a left-brained idealist. A logical dreamer. A paradox. I think way too much to believe everything will turn out as I picture, but the picture is still very vivid and detailed. Innocent, but not naive. Romantic, but realistic. I promise it's possible.
I'm shy, but not half as shy as I used to be. I still don't talk very much, but that usually means I'm observing. That part of me still has yet to change, and I doubt it ever will. Unfortunately, being quiet makes you unapproachable. Being self conscious makes you hesitant to approach others. That's about where I am right now, and that's what I have to overcome. Because honestly, I'm lonely. When I'm not talking to people I get depressed. As introverted as I was as a kid, I absolutely love talking to people now. Anyone. Everyone. Even people I don't like, I'd gladly have a conversation with.
I'm addicted to dreaming. And when I dream, I dream big. Sometimes I become disconnected from reality until something comes along and brings me back down to the ground. I don't know if it's healthy or not, but it certainly helps me cope. I've always wished I could draw. Sometimes the dreams, the visions, the things my mind creates while it is idle..they're indescribable. If I could draw them, you'd understand.
Long walks on the beach are lame, but long walks between the hours of 2 and 4 AM are incredible. I find myself outside of coffee shops with my laptop or a book increasingly often. I don't take identity in my status as hardcore gamer or wakeboarder, but in the unique way my mind seems to work. I can get along with anyone because I never allow myself to really fit in to one group or another. That's just who I am.
I know this has been all over the place, but it's my best attempt to really define myself. Certain things about the way I think and react are still a mystery even to me. I try to see everything in life from every possible viewpoint, but often I don't even know what my own is. It drives me crazy.
Anyways, I've been open with everyone who reads this. If you've made it this far, introduce yourself to me. Leave a comment, message me (I'm pretty much always on facebook), I don't care. Doesn't matter if we haven't talked in years or if we're best friends. Tell me something I don't know about you, ask me a question, do whatever. I love talking to people.
July 5, 2010
Mosaic
This is a blog about a metaphor that hit me out of the blue, one that has given me hope, one that explains how I was finally able to come to terms with my life. But first, some back story.
The past two months or so have been some of the craziest times of my life. Without going into too much detail, the best way to sum it up is that my life has been falling apart, and I've been powerless. Everything has been changing, I've lost many things that I was convinced I'd have forever, and the only thing that's been constant is that at no point have I wanted to be sad. In fact, every step along the way I've really really wanted to be happy, to be content. This is much harder than it sounds. Hanging out with friends and doing things that I loved let me see glimpses of happiness, but I wasn't there yet until recently. I knew it existed, I knew I could attain it, but it took some time. Now, I'm happy. In the New Testament, Paul tells the early church to rejoice in their trials, find happiness in suffering, and I think I've finally figured out how to go about that. Because while my life still isn't what I want it to be necessarily, I'm happy with it regardless.
My life, my family, my relationships, my hobbies..imagine with me for a second that all of those things were materialized as a beautiful vase. Elegant, perfect, expensive, and on display for the world to see. Surely I'll pass this on to my children, who will pass it to their children, etc. A true heirloom. Until a gust of wind shoots through an open window and the vase lies on the floor in pieces. How is one to react? The natural first though is that their must be a way to fix it. Get the hot glue. Tape. Maybe an expert will know what to do. Maybe we can ask around. This vase was everything, it was supposed to be on that table forever. This isn't what I had planned. Now what.
How do you fix a broken vase? Or a broken life, for that matter.
Well, time for some lateral thinking. A broken vase cannot be fixed, but it can be unbroken. It can be changed into something else. A mosaic, for example. The pieces aren't back together, all is not resolved, but its not broken now. Its something different. Something better, maybe. No point in worrying about the shards of glass on the floor. Now they're something beautiful.
So this is what I'm faced with. Everything I knew is different, but only time will tell what happens from here. I am, however, happy. I'm happy with the way things are, despite them not being "what I wanted". I'm happy with the future, even though I don't know what it holds. I don't need money, I don't need security, I don't need a degree, I don't need a girlfriend, nothing that I don't have keeps me from being content and that is an amazing feeling. All of those would be great, but..well, I'm coming to enjoy the mystery of what I will and won't end up actually getting because I know that I have everything I need. I also believe in a God who promises us what we need, but likes to give us what we want. Perhaps I needed to learn what I actually needed, and the only way to go about that is to lose everything else else and find happiness regardless.
Well, that's all I've got. The vase is broken, but the mosaic is pretty neat once you learn to appreciate it. I'm happy with my life, I'm happy with myself, and I'm happy with a mysterious future. I also like talking to new people, so if you read these then no need to be shy!
The past two months or so have been some of the craziest times of my life. Without going into too much detail, the best way to sum it up is that my life has been falling apart, and I've been powerless. Everything has been changing, I've lost many things that I was convinced I'd have forever, and the only thing that's been constant is that at no point have I wanted to be sad. In fact, every step along the way I've really really wanted to be happy, to be content. This is much harder than it sounds. Hanging out with friends and doing things that I loved let me see glimpses of happiness, but I wasn't there yet until recently. I knew it existed, I knew I could attain it, but it took some time. Now, I'm happy. In the New Testament, Paul tells the early church to rejoice in their trials, find happiness in suffering, and I think I've finally figured out how to go about that. Because while my life still isn't what I want it to be necessarily, I'm happy with it regardless.
My life, my family, my relationships, my hobbies..imagine with me for a second that all of those things were materialized as a beautiful vase. Elegant, perfect, expensive, and on display for the world to see. Surely I'll pass this on to my children, who will pass it to their children, etc. A true heirloom. Until a gust of wind shoots through an open window and the vase lies on the floor in pieces. How is one to react? The natural first though is that their must be a way to fix it. Get the hot glue. Tape. Maybe an expert will know what to do. Maybe we can ask around. This vase was everything, it was supposed to be on that table forever. This isn't what I had planned. Now what.
How do you fix a broken vase? Or a broken life, for that matter.
Well, time for some lateral thinking. A broken vase cannot be fixed, but it can be unbroken. It can be changed into something else. A mosaic, for example. The pieces aren't back together, all is not resolved, but its not broken now. Its something different. Something better, maybe. No point in worrying about the shards of glass on the floor. Now they're something beautiful.
So this is what I'm faced with. Everything I knew is different, but only time will tell what happens from here. I am, however, happy. I'm happy with the way things are, despite them not being "what I wanted". I'm happy with the future, even though I don't know what it holds. I don't need money, I don't need security, I don't need a degree, I don't need a girlfriend, nothing that I don't have keeps me from being content and that is an amazing feeling. All of those would be great, but..well, I'm coming to enjoy the mystery of what I will and won't end up actually getting because I know that I have everything I need. I also believe in a God who promises us what we need, but likes to give us what we want. Perhaps I needed to learn what I actually needed, and the only way to go about that is to lose everything else else and find happiness regardless.
Well, that's all I've got. The vase is broken, but the mosaic is pretty neat once you learn to appreciate it. I'm happy with my life, I'm happy with myself, and I'm happy with a mysterious future. I also like talking to new people, so if you read these then no need to be shy!
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